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Yank My Tank

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Yank My Tank
Disc 3, Track 7
Track guide
Car Insurance
The Shredder
Yank My Tank is the fiftieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: It's a great evening at (censored) Dodge, how may I answer your call?

Milton: No, it's not a great evening! Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the floating turd that sold me this Dodge Stratus!

Woman: Who was it?

Milton: Who's working there right now?!

Woman: Who do you want to speak to?

Milton: Name the sales-guys and I'll tell ya which one sold it to me!

(Milton put on hold)

Hold Message: Financing the vehicle of your choice doesn't have to be a tough experience! Stop in to see the financing-

Man: (censored) Dodge, how may I help you?

Milton: Yes! Pick me up now and bring me a new car! I bought a Dodge Stratus and now I'm stuck! Listen to this!

(Milton tries to start up his car, but the engine stalls)

Milton: Won't turn over!

(Milton continues to start car, but engine still stalls)

Milton: Nothing's happening! Who is this?

Man: This is (censored). Who is this?

Milton: This is Milton! You sold me this car and I want a new one right now! I'm stuck!

Man: And where are you located, Milton?

Milton: I'm behind a Burger King right now! I hate to dole out threats, but I don't wanna be your worst nightmare! With gas at close to $3.00 a gallon, I sought out an alternative as any level-headed consumer would do! I saw on the news on Dateline NBC that Stone Phillips said that you could put old french fry oil inside the car and it would work! Are you aware-

Man: Oh, you shouldn't listen to Stone Phillips...

Milton: Are you aware of that?

Man: Stone Phillips doesn't know what he's talking about...

Milton: So, I poured-

Man: If Stone's telling you to put french fry oil in your car, maybe that's why it won't start up.

Milton: Well, I poured in the contents of my Fry Daddy, and that wasn't enough! So, I went to various fast food restaurants around the tri-state area, and they have those oil traps behind the fast food restaurants- I'm behind a BK right now, I topped off the car, and now listen!

(Milton tries to start up the car, but the engine continues to stall)

Milton: Nothing!

Man: Yeah, but I think the episode you saw on Dateline was to use the oil to rub on your skin for good sun tans.

Milton: I'm an elderly man! And you're making fun of my situation! I'm stuck! I'm in a terrible-

Man: No, I'm making fun cause you sound like you're an idiot!

(man hangs up)

Milton: Hello?! 

(ringback tone)

Woman: It's a great day at (censored) Dodge, how may I answer your call?

Milton: No, it's not a great day! Let me speak to the guy that just hung up on me! I'm stuck!

Man: Hello?

Milton: Did you hang up on me?!

Man: Who's this?

Milton: My name is Milton!

Man: Okay, Milton! Listen, but you-who told you to put cooking oil in the car?

Milton: Listen to me! You check the records! I'm in the files, I bought this car about three months ago from you, and now you're treating me like ass!

Man: Yeah, but you told me you put cooking oil in the car. You're not supposed to put cooking oil in the car!

Milton: That's what Stone Phillips on Dateline NB-

Man: But Stone Phillips didn't sell you the car!

Milton: I'm gonna kick you in the balls is what I'm gonna do!

Man: Yeah! I haven't got kicked in the balls from an 82-year-old guy in about seven years.

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Woman: It's a great evening at (censored) Dodge, how may I answer your call?

Milton: No, it's not! It's a living Hell at (censored) Dodge! Put (censored) on the phone right now!

Man: Who would put-who would put cooking oil in his car gotta be a half an idiot. Find something else to do, jerkoff!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • The Dodge Stratus is a mid-size car produced by the Chrysler Corporation. Judging by the year this call may have been released in, it may have been the Chrysler Cirrus variant, a four-door sedan produced from 1995 to 2000.
  • Burger King is an American based fast food chain.
  • Stone Phillips is an American news reporter who used to co-anchor the newsmagazine show Dateline NBC.
  • Using cooking oil in a car is a reference to biodiesel vehicles, which have engines that run off of vegetable oil (biodiesel) rather than gasoline.

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