|Y2K Survival Kit|
Help! I'm Stuck In The Trunk
Woman: Good afternoon. Y2K Solutions.
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! I'm calling about your advertisement!
Milton: I would like to get some information on preparing myself for the Y2K disaster.
Woman: Mmm-hmm. Um, if you give me your name and address, I will send you a flyer on it.
Milton: Do you have all of the information on the flyer on how to order?
Woman: Yes, I do.
Milton: Cause the ad I have says "seven days of food for three people".
Milton: What if I have some family members that are overweight that eat a whole lot more?
Woman: (giggles) Then you order two kits.
Milton: What kind of food is in the kit?
Woman: Um, well, it's got all different kinds of non-perishable foods...and if you let me send you a flyer, it's got pictures of it on it and, uh...descriptions on it-
Milton: Cause they're going crazy here where I am!
Milton: There's this crazy group called the Y2-KKK!
Milton: And I'm scared of them...everyone's going Y2-crazy!
Woman: Yes, they are...
Milton: Wh-I mean, we have imminent disaster, I think, pending because of this computer craziness!
Milton: I tried to call another place called Y2K-Mart...
Milton: And they're sold out already for the rest of the year; everything's gone!
Milton: You still have supplies?
Woman: Oh, yes.
Milton: All right...I have a son named Chauncey and the reason why I ask about large food quantities is because my son Chauncey is fourteen years old but he's very obese.
Milton: He's, uh, right now, between 640 and 650, believe it or not.
Milton: We think he has a thyroid problem!
Milton: And eats like a hog!
Milton: So, how much food...I can buy as much as I want from you?
Woman: Yes, you can.
Milton: All right, how much is the typical "seven days of food for three people" kit?
Woman: There's actually a couple of different ones. If you give me your name and address, I'll go ahead and send the brochure out to you.
Milton: And you can mail it to me?
Woman: Yes, I can.
Milton: All right, how about...I really need to prepare my homestead for invasion. Have people talked to you about that? About protecting the supplies once the disaster happens?
Woman: Yes, they have. Could you hold on for just a moment, please?
(Milton put on hold; line plays "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M.)
Woman: Are you still there?
Milton: Yes I am!
Woman: Okay, I'm sorry. The phone's going crazy.
Milton: I bet business is very brisk!
Woman: Yes, it is.
Woman: If you want to go ahead and give me your name and address, I'll send you out one of these brochures.
Milton: Yes! I hear an echo right now!
Woman: Okay, um...something on the phone lines, probably-
Milton: I hope my line is not being tapped!
Milton: I'm very paranoid now, you know.
Milton: Okay, how about weaponry? Do you supply that?
Woman: No, we don't.
Milton: Do you have any good connections because I need hand grenades...and I need to-I think I read a manual that said that everyone should have a rifle and a machine gun! Did you read that?
Woman: No, I didn't. I tell you what, if you want to give me your name and address, I'll send you the flyer, um, otherwise, I'm gonna have to clear the line.
Milton: No, I wanna give you my address!
Milton: My name is Milton; M-I-L-T-O-N...
Milton: Fludgecow; F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W...
Milton: Address is 1412- that's 1-4-1-2...
Milton: Flika; F-L-I-K-A...hyphen! Flaka; F-L-A-K-A...and that's Lane...and that's pronounced Flika-Flaka!
Milton: And I'm in Corbin; C-O-R-B-I-N...
Milton: And my zip code is 42705!
Milton: If you can rush the information out immediately...and you don't have any connections for hand grenades or guns?
Woman: No, I don't.
Milton: Also, did you read that everyone should get a flamethrower?
Woman: No, I didn't.
Milton: Do you sell anthrax germs?
Woman: No, I don't.
Milton: Uh, poison dart guns?
Woman: No. I'll go ahead and send you out the flyers, okay?
Milton: Also, there's one other question; I was told, and I don't know if this is true...that Oprah Winfrey, who is based in Chicago...
Milton: Is buying up all the food, like, in a 500-square mile radius. Have you heard that?
Woman: No, I haven't.
Milton: Because she's a billionaire! She can afford to buy all the food and leave us all out here in the cold!
Milton: Cause I think she really is a bitch!
Woman: (chuckles) Okay, I will send you out this flyer, okay?
Milton: How many pages is the flyer?
Woman: It's just one page- front and back.
Milton: And it will give me all the instructions on what I can order?
Woman: Yes, it will.
Milton: Do you take Visa and MasterCard?
Woman: Yes, we do.
Milton: And how do you ship it to me?
Milton: I'm outside now on my portable phone and I've been prepping my property now! I've been working since early January installing the electric fence! Do you sell any supplies for that?
Woman: No, I don't, but I do need to get off-
(Milton gets electrocuted by the electric fence)
Milton: (screaming in pain)
(woman hangs up)
(Milton electrocutes himself to death; collapses)
- This is the first Crotchety call to focus on the infamous Y2K scare that took place during the final months of 1999 (the other being The Y2K Toilet), centered around a computer programming bug known as the Y2K bug.
- Y2K survival kits were actual kits sold in response to the Y2K scare, specifically through a fear of people having to survive with whatever food, weapons, etc. they could get their hands on once January 1st, 2000 came. The scare resulted due to the concerns that computers that wouldn't be able to process the year 2000 would fail, leading to a global blackout.
- The song playing when Milton is on hold is "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by the American rock band R.E.M.
- Anthrax is a lethal disease infamous for being used in biological warfare, hence Milton asking for anthrax germs.
- Oprah Winfrey is a philanthropist and talk-show host known for hosting "The Oprah Winfrey Show".