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The Y2K Toilet

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The Y2K Toiler
Disc 3, Track 20
Track guide
The Hearing Aid
The Ab-Used Car Dealer
The Y2K Toilet is the sixty-second prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Man: Hello, (censored).

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the jackass that installed this toilet!

Man: Hello?

Milton: Yes, are you hard of hearing?!

Man: Who are you, first of all? And you need to relax and quit hollerin' at me.

Milton: My name is Milton and I wanna speak to the moron that put in this toilet bowl!

Man: I don't know who you are, first of all. What's your ad-

Milton: I'm a customer and I had a toilet bowl installed and obviously some schmuck put it in!

(faint country music in background)

Man: .....what is your address?

Milton: My address is 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane!

Man: 1415 what?

Milton: No! 1413! Flika! Flaka! Lane!

Man: .....I think you got the wrong number.

Milton: No, I don't! It was your company that put in this new toilet bowl!

Man: When was this?

Milton: Back in April!

Man: ......alrighty. W-how do you spell that address?

Milton: F-L-I-K-A! Hyphen! F-L-A-K-A!....I just read in the newspaper that my toilet will not work after January 1st, 2000 because of Y2K compliance problems!

Man: Hmm....

(country music continues to play in the background)

Man: Well, I'll be...

Milton: Will you please turn that stinking music down in the background?! I can't hear a word you're saying!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Man: Hello, (censored).

Milton: Excuse me, you hung up on me!

Man: Look, I don't know what you're talking about- I never heard of this before, I have no idea what you're talkin' about.

Milton: Do you always treat your customers this way?! It's bad enough that you installed-

Man: I wou-I would reinterate this again- what kind of toilet did you had- did you have installed?

Milton: I had a toilet that you sit on! What do ya mean 'what kind of toilet'? What kind of t-how many toilets are there?! I had you come out and you install the toilet to replace the old toilet and now I find out that I've been gypped!

Man: How-you, how'd you find that out?

Milton: Because it was in the newspaper this morning that my toilet won't work after January because you put in an old, non-compliant toilet!

Man: Ooh boy!.......Do you have a copy of your receipt there?

Milton: Yes, I do!

Man: Who in-who installed this?

Milton: It looks like Barry!

Man: Barry?

Milton: Yes!

Man: Don't have nobody that works here named Barry.

Milton: Billy, then! I can't read this chicken scratch hand writing- it looks like a second grader filled this form out! What kind of morons do you employ there?!

Man: Well, you ne-you need to, you need to calm down on your tone of voice.

Milton: You need to shut the hell up and be nice to me!

Man: I tell you what, buddy.

Milton: Yeah, what?!

Man: I'm about to knock your (censored) teeth out with a hammer. I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you holler at me.

Milton: Okay, I won't yell anymore! But I had this toilet installed-

Man: There's no such thing as a- uh, F-Y compliant whatever...the-there's nothing, there's no computer in the toilet.

Milton: No, I think that you're a bunch of imbeciles that are trying to scam the elderly!

Man: Ahh- I don't know what you're talking about, uh- and you have a good day.

Milton: No! Listen! Don't hang up on me! I want-

Man: What do you want me to do?!

Milton: I want you to get off your big ass and quit playing country music and come fix my toilet!

Man: I tell you what- you go call somebody else. Have a good day.

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Man: Ma'am, there's no such thing as a Y2K compliant toilet!

Milton: No! I'm a sir! I'm not a ma'am! I'm in the bathroom-

Man: Well, whatever!

Milton: I'm in the bathroom right now and I'm gonna flush it for you- listen to the noise it's making! Are you ready?

Man: Oh, go ahead!

Milton: Listen to this!

(toilet flushes and siren blares)

Milton: Did ya hear that?! In the paper this morning, it said if you flush your toilet and it starts beeping that it's not a Y2K compliant toilet and it will not work after January-

Man: You need to call the CIA or somebody. Maybe-maybe it's the Russians got a bug in it.

Milton: What are you talk-are you making fun of me?!

Man: I'm telling you there's no such thing as a Y2K toilet.

Milton: You're a liar!

Man: Goodbye!

Milton: You're a liar!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Man: (censored).

Milton: Yes!

Man: Look! You keep calling me, imma have the police on you!

Milton: Don't hang up!

Man: Look, I don't have all day to talk to you, okay?

Milton: I would like a service call, please, to check out the toilet that you installed. It was okay when you wanted the money to put the new toilet in, you were just 'grab-grab-grab' for the 'check-check-check'! But now that I've got a problem after the sale, you don't wanna stand behind my toilet!

Man: Flika-Flaka Drive, huh? that Drive or Street?

Milton: That's Lane. And it happens to be an Indian name.

Man: Is that right?

Milton: It's an Iroquois Indian name!

Man: Oh.

Milton: I want somebody to come out now within the next hour and yank-

Man: Well, what you want and what you gonna get's two different things.

Milton: I want you to send somebody out to yank this non-compliant-

Man: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We ain't gonna be pulling no toilets today.

Milton: No, yes you are!

Man: No we're not!

Milton: Yes you-

Man: Now you have a good day, I'm gonna hang up. I've got work to do. Bye-bye!

(Milton stammering, man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Man: Hello, (censored).

Milton: I just got off the phone with the Better Business Bureau and I'm filing a complaint!

Man: Look....I don't know if you're drinking or what, but you need to go relax and chill out... 

Milton: No! You ne-

Man: If you keep calling me, I'm gonna call the police for harassing me.

Milton: That's it! You've forced me to come down there and poop on your head!

Man: You call here again, I'm gonna break your (censored) toilet over your head!

(man hangs up)


  • This is the second Crotchety call to focus on the infamous Y2K scare that took place during the final months of 1999 (the other being Y2K Survival Kit), centered around a computer programming bug known as the Y2K bug.
  • Y2K compliance is basically the ability of a computer to be able to process the year 2000. During the Y2K scare, it was believed that non-Y2K compliant electronics would fail after January 1st, 2000 because of the Y2K bug and cause a kind of global blackout.
  • The Better Business Bureau is an organization dedicated to critiquing businesses and their practices, usually to make them more consumer-friendly.

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