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The Wonder Boner
Disc X, Track 1
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The Wonder Boner is the sixty-fourth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls. Interestingly enough, this call was never released on any form of CD, but does exist as an audio rip on the MJ Morning Show's Fansite, making it the rarest Crotchety call, contrasting it with the other rare calls of Adult Diaper, Butt Tattoo, The Lost Arm in Curacao, and Cayman Crotchety, which were all released, but only on the first two Crotchety Christmas albums. The title is derived from the name of the MP3 file that this exists on (wonderboner.mp3). In addition, it features MJ Kelli and BJ Harris at the end, commenting on the phone operator.

TranscriptEdit

Man: Thank you for calling to order the Spineless Wunder Boner.

Milton: Yes!

Man: May I have your phone number, area code first, please?

Milton: How much is the Wunder Boner?

Man: $24.90.

Milton: Because...my doctor wants to put me on Viagra and that's way too much! It's gonna cost me about $700 a year!

(man breathing very close to the phone)

Milton: Hello?

Man: Yes. Why you holling?

Milton: I'm not hollering. Is it easy to take the Wunder Boner pills?

Man: I don't know, ma'am. I couldn't tell you.

Milton: No, I'm a sir!

Man: Sir, I do-I couldn't tell you, sir.

Milton: This is for the Wunder Boner, right?

Man: The Spineless Wunder Boner...

Milton: For erectile dysfunction?

Man: ...yes, sir.

Milton: Okay, good!

Man: May I have your home phone number, area code first, please?

Milton: Yes! Phone number is 75!

Man: ...area code first.

Milton: No, just 75. That's all you have to dial from any phone anywhere. I had the 75th phone in the entire USA in 1900.

Man: ...say WHAT?!

Milton: All you have to do is dial 75 and it reaches me!

Man: (groans)

Milton: Because I have had my phone since...it was 1897, I think, or-no, I'm sorry! I'm elderly-it was 1887 is when I got my phone and I had the 75th phone in the USA, so my phone still retains the original number 75.

Man: Get out of here!

Milton: Yes!

Man: That is awesome!

Milton: Yes!

Man: Hold on, okay?

(Milton is put on hold; plays calming guitar music)

Man: Hello, sir?

Milton: Yes!

Man: Thank you very much for holding.

Milton: Yes.

Man: May I have your name? Would you spell it, please?

Milton: Yes, Milton!

Man: Milton? M-I-L-T-O-N?

Milton: You are correct! You oughta be on that How To Be a Millionaire show!

Man: (giggles) Okay! Never had that answer-you-your last name, please.

Milton: Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W! How much is a year's supply of the Wunder Boner?

Man: Uh...I'm not sure about a year's supply-

Milton: Cause my wife has been pressing me to get it because we haven't had relations for quite some time. I'm 117 right now!

Man: Are you really?

Milton: Yes!

Man: You're 117 years old?

Milton: Yes, I am!

Man: Oooh.....

Milton: That's why my phone number is 75!

Man: Okay, now, Mr. Fludgecow...

Milton: Yes!

Man: May I have your address, please?

Milton: Yes! 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane!

Man: 1413 Flika-Flaka?

Milton: Yes! That's named after Christopher Columbus' brother-in-law. Did you know that?

Man: Flika-Flaka is named after Christopher Columbus' brother-in-law?

Milton: Yes!

Man: ...all right. Suprised me again. Th-the city?.....

Milton: What's the problem?

Man: The-the city?

Milton: The city is Meekerville.

Man: Meekerville?

Milton: Yes.

Man: State?

Milton: Ohio.

Man: Meekerville, Ohio. Zip code?

Milton: 41111.

Man: 41111?

Milton: Yes.

Man: Thi-and this address you want it shipped to?

Milton: Y-well, how big are the pills?

Man: Um, I'm not sure how bill-how big the pills are, sir.

Milton: Because I'm 117 and it hasn't worked for some time and when I saw the commercial for the Wunder Boner, I immediately jumped on the phone. This is the answer to Viagra, right?

Man: This is the answer to Viagra?

Milton: Yes! Wunder Boner!

Man: .....okay, w-fir-let me look-let me look here looking for the information on, okay?

Milton: Yes! Let's just make sure we're ordering the correct product.

Man: Right.

Milton: Yes.

Man: May I have your business phone number, please?

Milton: Business phone?! I'm 117!

Man: Okay...

Milton: I've been retired since 1947! Do you have the description of the Wunder Boner right now?

Man: ....yes, yes, yes, sir.

Milton: What is it?

Man: (reading description) "The Wunder Boner: revolution(ary) new device designed to-to remove the spine of salmonoid species of fish, including trout, char, and whitefish. The Wunder Boner's unique stainless steel rod"-

Milton: No. No, no, that's not-I need something for erectile dysfunction. Wunder Boner!

Man: Right...

Milton: This is for fish?

Man: Right...

Milton: Apparently, I have the wrong product. Thank you, goodbye!

(call ends)

MJ: There we go! That guy was great. I don't know how he got that gig of answering a telephone...

BJ: I don't know, either! (laughing)

MJ: But he's still great! (laughing) 7:47 at the MJ and BJ show-(audio cut-off)

TriviaEdit

  • The Spineless Wunder Boner is a real product used for deboning fish such as trout that became infamous due to its sexually suggestive name of "wunder boner".
  • Viagra is a medicine used for treating erectile dysfunction and pulmonary hypertension.
  • At the end of the call, MJ Kelli is heard saying "the MJ and BJ show" before the audio cuts out. This is a reference to the MJ Morning Show's original name "The MJ and BJ Morning Show", a name it carried until BJ Harris left the show.

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