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Disc 1, Track 21
Track guide
Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub
The Dumpster

The VCR is the twenty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(ringback tone)

William: Audio-Video department. This is William, how may I help you?

Milton: Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the sales-schmuck that sold me this VCR!

William: Which VCR?

Milton: I bought a defective unit and I'm pissed beyond belief!

William: All right, hold on one second, ma'am...

Milton: I'm about ready to file a massive lawsuit against you! On my receipt, it said that get 100% satisfaction, is that correct?!

William: Yes, it is.

Milton: Well, I'm about to come down there and kick 100% of somebody's ass!

William: Who's the salesman person's name on the receipt?

Milton: I don't have that handy right now!

William: Okay, hold on one second, ma'am...

Milton: Wai-(stammers) No! I'm a sir! And don't put me on terminal hold!......I'm talking to you!

William: All right!

Milton: I bought a VCR!

William: Okay.

Milton: I opened it up! I hooked it up to my TV set, the cable box, the whole nine yards- took me four hours to hook this little (censored) up! At the end of this whole process, I tried to jam in a video tape to watch it!

William: Okay.

Milton: It was a pornographic tape, but that's neither here nor there!

William: Okay.

Milton: The tape would not go into the machine!

William: Okay.

Milton: At that point, I noticed a foul odor coming from inside the VCR!

William: Okay.

Milton: I pushed the eject button!...Listen! I'm gonna put the phone up to the VCR! Tell me if you can hear this!

William: Okay.

(Milton pushes VCR eject button; ejecting gears stall)

Milton: Can you hear that?

William: Yes, I can.

Milton: That is the eject mechanism!

(ejecting gears continue to stall)

Milton: When I hit eject, food came out!

William: Food?!

Milton: Yes! Food!

William: Was it a brand new VCR? Did you buy an open box, or-

Milton: No, it was brand new! I bought it $349.95! I hit the eject button and a moldy old sandwich infested with ants came out!

William: Wow! That's the first time I even heard of something like that-

Milton: Oh yeah! Sure it is! Then I hit the eject button again-!

(Milton pushes eject button again)

Milton: And, like, an eggroll came out! I have a VCR jammed with food!

William: Hmm. Best thing I can tell you, sir, is to bring it back and just-search it out and get a brand new one.

Milton: No, I tell you the best thing that's gonna happen is you're gonna come to my house right now and you're gonna pick this junk of crap up and bring me a new one!  

William: Well, sir, you know, uh, I'll let you talk to the manager, umm-

Milton: Plus, for my trouble, I have a list of demands!

William: (chuckles) Sir, you're gonna have to talk to the manager for your list of demands-

Milton: I want a new stereo, I want a big screen TV, I want a microwave oven, and I want a Sony Playstation for my son Chauncey! You get me all these items, plus the new VCR, we avoid litigation!

William: Well, sir, hang on. I'll transfer you to the manager.

Milton: Yeah, that'd be a good idea! Huh, brain surgeon?!

(Milton waits for a bit)

William: Sir?

Milton: Yes!

William: All right, I'm supposed to get your number and the manager is gonna call you right back-

Milton: Not good enough!

William: Well, sir, I have nothing else to tell you.

Milton: Listen to this!

(Milton pushes the eject button again)

Milton: Do you hear that?!

William: Yes!

Milton: I keep pushing the button!

(Milton pushes the eject button again)

Milton: Push, push, push, pushing! VCR eject button! And I got crud and slime coming out! Hello?

William: I'm here!

Milton: Well, why aren't ya talking?!

William: Because I have nothing to say, sir.

Milton: How can you have nothing to say?! You were all "yap, yap, yap"-

William: Sir, listen to me!

Milton: What?!

William: You're sitting on the phone, you're chewing me out, I have nothing to do with this, and-you know, the least you should do-I'm trying to help you. You should have a little respect for me trying to help you.

Milton: Well, listen here! You guys are all "yap, yap, yap-trap" while you were trying to sell me this thing, but now I got food coming out of the VCR slot! You're trying to just shove me right off like I got some kind of a deadly ebola virus!

William: Sir, we're not gonna get nothing resolved with you calling me names, calling the store names, or anything like that.

Milton: I'm not taking the trip down there! I'm not getting back on my Hoveround! I want you to come to my house, pick up this junk of crap, and bring me the things on my list of demands!

William: Well, sir, you need to talk to a manager for that. I can't say yes to that.

Milton: What's the matter? You can't make your own decisions?

William: Yes, I can make my own decisions, sir-

Milton: What, are you braindead or something?

William: You know, sir, if you're gonna keep this up-

Milton: I think you're an imbecile. I'd like to take this VCR and just whack it right over your head!

William: Sir, I don't have to listen to this...

(William's manager, Bob, enters)

Bob: (in the background) Give me the phone, give me the phone...

(William hands Bob the phone)

Bob: Hi, I'm Bob Agunta. I'm the manager here, and I'm not gonna let you speak to my employees that way.

Milton: Oh, really? Hey, Bob! You're a fairy! Listen to my VCR!

(Milton pushes the eject button again)

Milton: It's got all kinds of food and crap jammed inside! You're a loser!

Bob: You know what, sir? Bring the VCR...back to the store...and I'll shove it up your (censored)!

Milton: Oh, now that's service after the sale!

Bob: Goodbye, (censored)!

(Bob angrily hangs up)

(ringback tone)

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