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The Shredder

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The Shredder
Disc 3, Track 9
Track guide
Car Insurance
The Lion
The Shredder is the fifty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon, (censored).

Milton: Yeah, let me speak to the crap-for-brains that sold me this shredding machine!

Woman: Excuse me?

Milton: I said I got a shredder and it ain't working! I gotta shred, shred, shred before five, five, five and the thing won't work, work, work!

(Milton is put on hold; calm jazz music)

Woman #2: Service.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! I got to shred papers, you guys sold me the machine and it won't work at all! Nothing's happening!

Woman #2: Okay, I...

Milton: I pushed the...(Milton pushes button) button and nothing! Listen!

Woman #2: Okay, hold on, please.

Milton: Who's gonna talk to me?

(woman gives phone to co-worker)

Roy: This is Roy.

Milton: I'm trying to shred! How many people am I gonna speak to there? I bought the machine from you and nothing's happening!

Roy: What kind of machine is it?

Milton: It's a shredder! Hang-I'm pushing the 'on' button and-

(shredder turns on)

Milton: Hol-ho-hold on! All right! Do you-do you hear that?

Roy: Yeah...

Milton: Okay, it's starting to shred! Why wasn't it shredding?

Roy: Sounds like it's broken...

Milton: What?!

Roy: Sounds like it's broken!

Milton: Hold on! I'm gonna lean into the machine and see if I can see a...some kind of broken part or something, I don't see-

(Milton's tie gets caught in shredder)

Milton: DAH! GAH! My-my tie! My tie is caught in the machine! GAH!

(Milton getting strangled by tie and choking)

Milton: (choking) Hello? Hello?!

Roy: Hold on! I'm gonna put you on hold!

Milton: Don't put me on hold! I'm stuck in the damn machine!

Roy: Put it in reverse...

Milton: What? Reverse? Hold on!

(Milton's tie still being fed into the shredder)

Milton: Could I get some help here? First your machine wasn't working, now it's trying to chew me up like a death machine!

Roy: Where are you located?

Milton: I'm in my office! Where do you think I am, the toilet?

Roy: Where are you located geographically? Do you have a pair of scissors?

Milton: No-what? Hang on a sec! Can't reach! I'm being held tightly by the machine! Scissors are ten feet away on the desk!

(Milton's tie continues to get fed into the shredder)

Milton: (coughing and hacking) Hello?

Roy: Give me your address and I'll call the fire department.

Milton: It's gonna chew my whole face off in a minute!

Roy: Call 911!

Milton: (coughing, hacking, choking on his tie) AHH!!! Let me out of here! It's starting to ch-(choking, getting strangled)

Roy: Pull the cord, for crying out loud! What's your problem?! Pull the power cord!

(Milton getting strangled to death)

(Roy hangs up)

(ringback tone)

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