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The Pacemaker
Disc 2, Track 4
Track guide
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The Pacemaker is the twenty-fifth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.

TranscriptEdit

(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Voice: Welcome to GTE...

Milton: Thank you!

Pre-Recorded Voice: Please listen carefully. We have made changes to our menu...

Milton: Super!

Pre-Recorded Voice: Please choose one of the following options...

Milton: Will do!

Pre-Recorded Voice: For roaming or billing information, including your balance, last payment, and mailing address, press 1...

Milton: No! No...

Pre-Recorded Voice: If you are having difficulty completing calls or having equipment problems, press 2...

Milton: Yes! Pacemaker!

(Milton repeatedly dials '2')

Milton: Pacemaker! 2! 2! 2! 2!

(ringback tone)

John: GTE Wireless. How can I help you?

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Who is this?!

John: This is John.

Milton: Is this customer service?!

John: Yes, sir. How can I help you today?

Milton: I received a very alarming notice with my monthly cellular phone statement! Are you-are you aware of the thing you put in there about GTE caring about my cardiac health?

John: Now, would this be the notice in regards to the pacemaker? 

Milton: Yes! It says if you are a cardiac pacemaker wearer, you urge you to use caution when operating your cellular phone! Recent studies indicate that two-way radios, AM/FM radios, and some cellular phones may interfere with the performance of pacemaker implants!

John: Yes, sir. Are there any questions I can answer about that?

Milton: Well, I don't know if that really is a problem, so I'm going to test it right now!

John: Sir, we don't recommend that.

Milton: I am a pacemaker wearer; I had it installed on April 7th, 1979!

John: Yes, sir...

Milton: Get my batteries changed every two years!

John: Right...

Milton: And I'm going to test it now!

John: No, no-sir, sir, (stammers)

Milton: Hey! Hey! Shut up! Let me get a word in edgewise! I'm on my home telephone and I have the cell phone right here!

John: No, no! Sir, we shouldn't be doing this!

Milton: Let me read the rest of the notice..."The US Food and Drug Administration recommends that pacemaker wearers might want to avoid placing cellular phones (when turned on) next to the pacemaker implant."!

John: Yes, sir...

Milton: "We suggest that if you wear a pacemaker, do not carry the phone in a chest, shirt, or jacket pocket and keep your phone turned off when it's near the pacemaker implant."!

John: Th-that is correct...

Milton: Okay, I'm dialing up my cell phone from my other telephone here at the house! Should ring any second now!

John: Sir, we do not recommend this...

Milton: Okay! I don't care what you recommend! This is a scientific experiment!

(cell phone rings)

Milton: (screaming in pain)

(Milton collapses)

John: Sir? Hello? Hello? Are you all right, sir?

Milton: Oh my! (grunting)

John: Could I have your name, please?

Milton: (grunting) Milton Fludgecow! I've been a GTE Wireless customer...

John: Sir!

Milton: ...since 1987!

John: Sir, do you need any help?

Milton: I'm okay! (sighs) Getting up off the floor! Wow! That warning is accurate! It knocked me flat on my ass!

John: Are you okay, sir?

Milton: Yes! Hang on, I want to finish reading the warning here..."The FDA further recommends that when using the phone, hold it to the ear opposite the side of the body where the pacemaker is implanted. If you have questions regarding the use of a cellular phone with a pacemaker, consult your doctor."!

John: Yes, sir...

Milton: That guy charges me a freakin' arm and a leg if I just call him up for a new prescription! I'm not calling that idiot! I'm just gonna try it again! I'm gonna take the phone-

John: Woah...sir, we do not recommend that...

Milton: I'm gonna put it on the ear directly above my pacemaker and see what happens!

John: Now, sir, that could be very dangerous...

Milton: Dialing telephone now! Cell phone should ring any second!

(cell phone rings)

John: N-now, sir...

Milton: So far, so good! No problems yet! (screams in pain)

(Milton collapses again)

John: Sir! Hello?

Milton: (gasping for air)

John: Do you need help, sir?

Milton: (gasping)

John: Sir!

(Milton presumably dies)

(ringback tone)  

TriviaEdit

  • GTE was a phone company that existed through the 1900's up to 2000, when it merged with Bell Atlantic to form the Verizon phone company.
  • A pacemaker is an electronic device made to regulate heartbeats.

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