Linda: Jungle (censored), this is Linda. How can I help you?
Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Jungleland?
Linda: Yes, this is.
Milton: Yes, I've called numerous times this morning. You might remember my calls...and I'm still frightened about the lion that's on the loose. Have you captured it yet?
Linda: No, sir. We have not captured the lion, but there-
Milton: Why the hell not?!
Linda: Excuse me, sir. There is no need for alarm.
Milton: What do you mean there's no need for alarm?! I live right nearby- and there's a 400 pound lion which is on the loose- which could maul my kids, my puppies, little Chauncey, little Estelle, and my little doggy Precious! (cries)
Linda: Sir, we are taking the situation under control and we advise that you keep your children and your pets inside.
Milton: Inside? So I shouldn't let them go to school today?
Linda: No, you should keep them inside, or...have close watch on them. Put them in the car and take them to school.
Milton: Let me tell you what I'm doing right now! I have a video tape of the National Geographic special on King of the Jungle: The Mighty Lion, which I recorded off of TBS Superstation last July, and I've cranked up the television set to try and scare the lion away! Here, listen to this.
(sounds of lion roaring coming from TV)
Milton: Do you hear that?
Linda: Sir, sir, I don't think that that is going to help you any.
Milton: Listen! Gonna scare the lion away!
Linda: Sir, that's not going to do any good, sir.
Milton: What do you mean it's not gonna do any good?!
Linda: That is not going to do any good.
Milton: Wait, wait, shh, q-quiet, quiet...I hear something outside. Hang on....I've hung some porkchops on my mailbox to try to attract the lion.
Linda: Sir, no! Sir, we have got the situation under control! Please do not take the situation into your own hands! Do not hang fresh meat outside!
Milton: I've got porkchops which I just got at the Winn-Dixie yesterday- which was gonna be for dinner tonight! I got a fat family, got 17 pounds of 'em, and I got 'em all hanging outside the house!
Linda: Sir, there's no need to draw attention...
Milton: Hold on, hold-I've got-I'm hearing something outside right now- I think the lion's here. Lion's here!
Linda: Sir, stay in your house!
Milton: Lion's here!
Linda: Stay in your house!
Milton: Lion's here! Lion is here!
Linda: We will send...
(lion attacks Milton)
Milton: (screaming in pain and terror)
Linda: Stay in your house! Sir!
(lion mauls Milton to death)
(Linda hangs up)
- Jungleland Wildlife Park was an actual place in Florida that was known for it's poor living conditions for animals and was eventually shut down following an investigation of its facilities. It became known for having animals that would escape or harm tourists, most infamous being a lioness named Nala, who is the subject of this Crotchety call.
- National Geographic is a nonprofit educational/scientific institution known for its magazines and its many documentaries focusing on topics such as nature, history, etc.. The special documentary Milton mentions is probably fake, as while National Geographic has made many wildlife documentaries focusing on lions, there is no history of one named "King of the Jungle: The Mighty Lion".
- TBS Superstation is the former name for the comedy channel TBS, which would most likely not air National Geographic specials.
- Winn-Dixie is an American supermarket chain.