|The Killer Bees|
|Disc 1, Track 13|
I Lost Mommy
The Vacuum of Doom
The Killer Bees is the thirteetnth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.
Woman: Good morning, Chelsea Florists.
Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the craphead that dropped off these flowers in my hospital room!
(EKG heart monitor sound in background)
Woman: Excuse me, sir, who-who is this? Don't speak to me this way. If you have a problem, I'll be happy to handle it.
Milton: I'm in the hospital! I'm here for triple bypass surgery! You can probably hear all of the medical equipment sounds in the background!
Woman: Sir, what is your problem?
Milton: I'm recovering! I just got out of the ICU-I had triple bypass surgery! My fat kids Chauncey and Estelle just had some flowers sent to me by you people, and I've got a bee inside my flowers from you!
Woman: Excuse me, sir, we have no flowers with bees in them.
Milton: Yes! Are you calling me a liar?!
Woman: No, sir. I'm not calling you a liar...
Milton: Yes, you are! Shut the hell up! I've-
Woman: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Don't speak to me this way...
Milton: I've got a bee in my flower!
(bee buzzing sound)
Milton: Oh! There it is!
Woman: That does sound like a bee!
Milton: Yes, I'm not a liar! I've got bees in my flowers! And-
Milton: It just landed!
Woman: What hospital are you in?
Milton: Hold on a sec! I'm gonna poke through the rest of the bouquet-
Woman: No, no! Don't go through the bouquet!
Milton: Hold on!
(Milton sifts through bouquet of flowers)
Woman: Don't touch it, there's bees in there!
Milton: There's a whole nest of bees inside!
Woman: Sir, listen to me-
Milton: I'm gonna poke at the nest to see if there's any more in here!
Woman: No, no! Don't do that!
(Milton angers swarm of bees from flowers)
Milton: OW!!! EH! AHH!!! I got a whole swarm!
Woman: Call the nurse, sir!
Milton: AHHHH!!!! Holy crapamoly!
Milton: You sent me the Big Sting-My-Ass-Off bouquet! OW! I'm getting stung!
Woman: Sir, get under the covers! Please get under the covers!
(Milton getting stung by bees)
Milton: Wait a sec, I'm gonna get my walking cane and I'm gonna try and swat the bees!
Woman: No, don't do that!
(Milton swings his cane around his room, destroying everything BUT the bees)
Woman: Sir? Sir?
Milton: Oh my God! I just knocked over the tray of food!
(Milton continues to swing his cane around)
Milton: Oh! Holy crap!
Woman: Don't do that! You'll get stung!
Milton: Ehhh! Gonna try swatting the bees one last time!
(Milton puts all his strength into this swing and knocks over an oxygen tank)
Woman: Sir! Stop tearing up the room! Calm down!
Milton: Oh my God! I knocked over an oxygen tank!
Woman: Oh my God, get out of the room!
Milton: I've got a leak! I've got a leak! Oh my God, there are sparks and-
(oxygen tank explodes and sets room on fire)
Milton: Ahh!!! Whoooo!!! I got a fire!
Woman: Oh, holy Shit!
Milton: The whole place is on fire!
Woman: Holy Shit!
Milton: Oh my God! I'm starting to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllltttttttttttttttttt..........
(Milton melts in the fire)
(woman hangs up)
- Triple bypass surgery is a form of heart bypass surgery, which is done to reduce the risk of coronary artery disease-related death.