Crotchety Old Man Calls Wiki

The Implant

63pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share
The Implant
Disc 3, Track 12
Track guide
Lost Eyeball
Turkey Hotline
The Implant is the fifty-fourth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Good morning, Law Offices. May I help you?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! This is Milton- is this the law firm that's handling the big lawsuit with those penile implants?

Woman: Yes, it is.

Milton: Oh, my implant's like a living Hell. Maybe I should go ahead and tell you why I had to get this implant in the first place.

Woman: Well, sir, that's not necessary. What you should do is...

Milton: Well, good! Thanks for being so understanding! It happened several years ago- I was working as a bank teller at the Sun Bank over on Fletcher. I was one of those drive-thru tellers and I accidentally got my crotch caught in that vacuum suction tube.

Woman: Oh, sir...

Milton: (suction noises) You know the thing? (imitates drive-thru teller pneumatic tube) You know the thing you put your money in?

Woman: Sir, you really should be talking to somebody else...

Milton: Well, listen! After the freak accident, I had to get one of those implant devices, but they should've left my crotch in the mangled condition, cause now it's even worse! It's spinning around like an out-of-control carnival ride! My implant is acting like the Tilt-a-Whirl or the-

(implant hits the phone cord)

Milton: Hello, are you there?

Woman: Hello?

(implant knocks phone cord again)

Milton: Hello?!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Oh! It just hit the phone cord! It almost yanked it out of the wall!

Woman: Sir, maybe...

(implant knocks a glass of prune juice of a table, glass shatters)

Woman: Hello? Sir?

Milton: God! Did you hear that?!

Woman: Yes sir, maybe you should-

Milton: It just swung around and knocked the glass of prune juice right off the table! The carpet's all stained now!

Woman: Well, maybe you should call...

Milton: This thing is out of control!

(implant knocks the phone out of Milton's hand)

Milton: Oh! Hold on!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Oh, hold on! It-it knocked the phone out of my hand!

Woman: Sir, are you okay? Maybe you should call the hospital or...

Milton: Hold on a sec!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Hel-he-hold on! Gee!

Woman: Sir, maybe you should call back tomorrow...

Milton: It knocked the receiver right out of my hands! This implant device is like Satan or something like that-

(implant starts hitting phone keypad)

Milton: Oh, geez!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Hold on, it's hitting the keypad!

Woman: Sir, maybe you should call back tomorrow, okay?

Milton: Hold on, it's hitting the keypad!

Woman: Okay, call back-


(ringback tone)


  • A penile implant is a surgically-implanted device often used for treatment for various penile disorders.
  • Sun Bank is a shortened name for the Sun National Bank, a New Jersey-based bank company. This would most likely mean that Milton was living somewhere in New Jersey when he had his accident.
  • The device Milton is referring to at the bank is a pneumatic tube.
  • A Tilt-A-Whirl is a kind of amusement park flat ride.

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.