|The Hearing Aid|
The Y2K Toilet
Woman: Good afternoon, (censored) Hearing.
Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Hello?!
Milton: Yes! What have I reached?
Woman: You've reached the (censored) Hearing Aid.
Milton: Yes! I'm trying to call about my ear!
Woman: Are you the one that fell?
Woman: Just a minute!
(Milton is briefly put on hold)
Man: How are you?
Milton: I'm okay! I'm calling about my ear...piece!
Man: And what is your name?
Man: What can I do to help you?
Milton: I'm having trouble! I'm hearing wacky, crazy noises in my head!
Man: Okay....and that's with your hearing aid in?
Man: Is that with your hearing aid in?
Milton: I can't hear you- speak clearly!
Man: Okay...you're hearing the noise with your-when the hearing aid's in your ear?
Milton: You're going to have to speak louder! All I'm hearing is mumbly gibberish!
Man: Are you hearing the noise...when you're wearing the hearing aid?
Milton: What?! I don't want lemonade! I'm calling about my hearing aid!
Man: I know that, ma'am!
Milton: Then why are you saying "lemonade"?!
Man: I said "hearing aid"!
Man: Hearing aid!
Man: Not lemonade!
Milton: Yes! I'm having trouble with my hearing aid!
Man: You say you have a noise in your head?
Milton: Listen to this!
(Milton places hearing aid by phone; hearing aid sounds like static and radio frequencies)
Milton: Can you hear that?!
Man: Yes, I can!
Milton: What is that staticky noise in my head?!
Man: Do you have the hearing aid in your ear?
Milton: Why do you keep talking about lemonade?
Man: I did not say "lemonade", I said "hearing aid"!
Man: I said "hearing aid"! Not "lemonade"!
Milton: I was in, I think, about a week ago...or it might've been a month...to have the adjustment, and it hasn't been the same since then!
Man: Spell your last name for me!
Man: Spell your last name for me!
Milton: Wha- I can't hear you! A little louder and slower, please!
Man: What is your last name?!
Milton: Oh! My name!
Milton: F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W, Fludgecow! My first name is Milton!
Man: (in the background) Fludgecow...
(Man on other line is heard flipping through papers)
Milton: Listen to the noise it's making!
(Milton puts hearing aid back near phone)
Milton: Do you hear that?!
Man: Yes! I can hear that!
Milton: It's-it's very loud...what is causing the static?!
Man: I- I do not know! I would have to look at the hearing aid!
Milton: Excuse me?! Why do you keep talking about lemonade?! I'm talking about my hearing aid!
Man: Yes, ma'am! When you-!
Man: ...hear lemonade-!
Milton: No! I'm a sir!
Man: Yes, sir! When I- when you hear "lemonade", I am saying "hearing aid"!
Milton: What should I do now? Should I come in for the adjustment?
Man: I think you need to do that! Do you have a switch...on your hearing aid?
Milton: Did you just call me a "bitch"?!
Man: No sir, I did not! No!
Milton: Yes! You called me a "bitch"! I heard you!
Man: No, I did not!
Milton: You called me a "bitch"! I don't think that's very nice!
Man: I said..."switch"!
Milton: Why are you calling me a "bitch"?! That's not very nice!
Man: I am not! When can you come into the office?!
Milton: Yes, I'll be there in about six hours. I gotta go to bingo...and then I'll be there at approximately ten o'clock!
Man: I won't be open at ten o'clock!
Milton: Okay! So I'll see you at ten o'clock tonight!
Man: No, you won't!
Milton: And then you can fix the hearing aid! I will stop by right after bingo! Can you-
Man: We're not open at ten o'clock! I close at five!
Man: (faintly) Oh geez...
Man: I close at five o'clock! I am not open at ten o'clock at night!
Milton: Good! It'll be ten o'clock and I'll see you then! If I get there at 9:30, would that be okay?
Man: I am not open at ten o'clock!
Milton: That is a good time! Perfect! I'll see you at ten o'clock!
(Milton hangs up)