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The Hearing Aid

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The Hearing Aid is the sixty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man calls series.

Transcript Edit

(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon, (censored) Hearing.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Hello?!

Woman: Hello!

Milton: Yes! What have I reached?

Woman: You've reached the (censored) Hearing Aid.

Milton: Yes! I'm trying to call about my ear!

Woman: Are you the one that fell?

Milton: Yes!

Woman: Just a minute!

(Milton is briefly put on hold)

Man: Hello!

Milton: Hello?!

Man: How are you?

Milton: I'm okay! I'm calling about my ear...piece!

Man: And what is your name?

Milton: Milton...Fludgecow!

Man: What can I do to help you?

Milton: I'm having trouble! I'm hearing wacky, crazy noises in my head!

Man: Okay....and that's with your hearing aid in?

Milton: What?!

Man: Is that with your hearing aid in?

Milton: I can't hear you- speak clearly!

Man: Okay...you're hearing the noise with your-when the hearing aid's in your ear?

Milton: You're going to have to speak louder! All I'm hearing is mumbly gibberish!

Man: Are you hearing the noise...when you're wearing the hearing aid?

Milton: What?! I don't want lemonade! I'm calling about my hearing aid!

Man: I know that, ma'am!

Milton: Then why are you saying "lemonade"?!

Man: I said "hearing aid"!

Milton: Wha-?!

Man: Hearing aid!

Milton: Yea-!

Man: Not lemonade!

Milton: Yes! I'm having trouble with my hearing aid!

Man: You say you have a noise in your head?

Milton: Listen to this!

(Milton places hearing aid by phone; hearing aid sounds like static and radio frequencies)

Milton: Can you hear that?!

Man: Yes, I can!

Milton: What is that staticky noise in my head?!

Man: Do you have the hearing aid in your ear?

Milton: Why do you keep talking about lemonade?

Man: I did not say "lemonade", I said "hearing aid"!

Milton: What?!

Man: I said "hearing aid"! Not "lemonade"!

Milton: I was in, I think, about a week ago...or it might've been a month...to have the adjustment, and it hasn't been the same since then!

Man: Spell your last name for me!

Milton: What?!

Man: Spell your last name for me!

Milton: Wha- I can't hear you! A little louder and slower, please!

Man: What is your last name?!

Milton: Oh! My name!

Man: Yes!

Milton: F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W, Fludgecow! My first name is Milton!

Man: (in the background) Fludgecow...

(Man on other line is heard flipping through papers)

Milton: Listen to the noise it's making!

(Milton puts hearing aid back near phone)

Milton: Do you hear that?!

Man: Yes! I can hear that!

Milton: It's-it's very loud...what is causing the static?!

Man: I- I do not know! I would have to look at the hearing aid!

Milton: Excuse me?! Why do you keep talking about lemonade?! I'm talking about my hearing aid!

Man: Yes, ma'am! When you-!

Milton: No!

Man: ...hear lemonade-!

Milton: No! I'm a sir!

Man: Yes, sir! When I- when you hear "lemonade", I am saying "hearing aid"!

Milton: What should I do now? Should I come in for the adjustment?

Man: I think you need to do that! Do you have a switch...on your hearing aid?

Milton: Did you just call me a "bitch"?!

Man: No sir, I did not! No!

Milton: Yes! You called me a "bitch"! I heard you!

Man: No, I did not!

Milton: You called me a "bitch"! I don't think that's very nice!

Man: I said..."switch"!

Milton: Why are you calling me a "bitch"?! That's not very nice!

Man: I am not! When can you come into the office?!

Milton: Yes, I'll be there in about six hours. I gotta go to bingo...and then I'll be there at approximately ten o'clock!

Man: I won't be open at ten o'clock!

Milton: Okay! So I'll see you at ten o'clock tonight!

Man: No, you won't!

Milton: And then you can fix the hearing aid! I will stop by right after bingo! Can you-

Man: We're not open at ten o'clock! I close at five!

Milton: What?!

Man: (faintly) Oh geez...

Man: I close at five o'clock! I am not open at ten o'clock at night!

Milton: Good! It'll be ten o'clock and I'll see you then! If I get there at 9:30, would that be okay?

Man: Milton!

Milton: Yes?

Man: I am not open at ten o'clock!

Milton: That is a good time! Perfect! I'll see you at ten o'clock!

Man: No!

(Milton hangs up)

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