The Garage Door
Disc 1, Track 15
Track guide
The Vacuum of Doom
Milton Flips Truck

The Garage Door is the fifthteenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Overhead Door.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the imbecile that frigged up my garage door!

Woman: Hold on, please.

(woman hands phone to service department)

Woman #2: This is the service department. How may I help you?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the imbecile that frigged up my garage door!

Woman #2: Okay, sir. Why don't we come out and do a service?

Milton: I called for some simple preventive maintenance to have my tracks lubed and now it's a complete disaster!

Woman #2: Okay, sir. Let me look up the paperwork. What is your last name?....

Milton: Listen-listen to this!

(Milton lowers garage door)

Milton: I'm out in the garage now! Listen to the garage door! Did you hear that?

Woman #2: Yes, sir...

Milton: It sounds like it's coming off the tracks! Here, listen- listen again!

(Milton lowers garage door again)

Milton: All right, I'm lowering the door now! It sounds like it's coming off the tracks, it's scraping, it's shooting sparks, it looks like the whole thing's about to collapse onto my car!

Woman #2: Okay, can I get your last name, please?

Milton: Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W! I had problems with you people from the start! First of all, the big-

Woman #2: Okay, okay, wait-hold on a minute...

Milton: Oh, no! You hold on a second, please!

Woman #2: No-

Milton: The big, fat, smelly crap-for-brains guy that came out here didn't have a clue!

Woman: We don't-you know wh-you can calm down and call us back a little later. I don't have to listen to that kind of talk.

Milton: Wait a sec! Don't hang up on me! I just wanna tell ya-

Woman #2: Okay, I won't...

Milton: My kid's gerbil could've done a better job on this garage door than that guy that came out here-he didn't know his ass from his elbow!

Woman #2: Okay...okay...okay, you don't...okay, I'll help you...

Milton: Yes!

Woman #2: But you don't have to use language like that with me.

Milton: I'm sorry! I'm ju-

Woman #2: Okay, I got your last name and give me your town, sir.

Milton: I'm elderly and I'm very irritated right now!

Woman #2: I u-I understand.

Milton: I'm also a little hard of hearing!

Woman #2: I understand, and I can-I can-I can talk loud enough so you can hear me.

Milton: I'm out in the garage on the portable phone! Maybe you can diagnose the problem on the phone!

Woman #2: No, I can't diagnose. I'm just gonna have to get the paperwork. Hold on, please.

Milton: Okay-good, here it is!

(Milton lowers garage door again)

Milton: Okay! It's scraping-now, do you hear that?

Woman #2: I do hear it.

Milton: Listen, I'm gonna push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push!

(Milton constantly pushes on garage door button)

Woman #2: Don't...don't keep us-sir, don't keep push-

Milton: What?!

Woman #2: Don't keep using the garage door. Don't keep running it up and down.

Milton: What did you say?!

Woman #2: Don't keep running it up and down. Leave it alone, let me see if I can get somebody out there.

Milton: You want me to run it one more time?

Woman #2: No, don't run it again.

Milton: Okay, here it is!

(Milton lowers garage door again)

Woman #2: Don't, sir.

Milton: Okay!

Woman #2: Don't run it again, sir.

Milton: I'm pushing the button so you can hear the noise! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! It's, it's like it's jamming or something! It's sounds like it's gonna wobble and fall right off and smash my car!

Woman #2: Don't keep running the door up and down. All right? Leave the door alone.

Milton: Okay!

Woman #2: Did you say the spelling of your last name was "F" as in Frank, L-U, D-G-E, C-O-W?

Milton: Yes! Fludgecow! I live at 4206 Flika-Flaka Lane! F-L-I-K-A, F-L-A-K-A! Flika-Flaka Lane!

Woman #2: Okay, hold on, please.

Milton: Listen to this real quick! I'm gonna run the garage door again!

Woman #2: Sir, don't run it anymore.

Milton: Okay! Here ya go!

(Milton runs garage door again)

Milton: It's got a very, very, very, very, very, very, very bad sound like it's about to come off the track!

Woman #2: Don't keep running the door.

Milton: Okay, I'll run it-

Woman #2: Leave it alone.

Milton: I'll run it for you one more time!

Woman #2: No, sir-

Milton: Here!

(Milton runs garage door yet again)

Milton: Okay, it's running again! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push!

Woman #2: I asked you to not run the door anymore...

Milton: Okay, I'll run it for-

Woman #2: Leave the door-(annoyed) don't run it again.

Milton: Okay!

Woman #2: I've heard the door lots of times. Don't do it again. Leave the door alone.

Milton: Okay!

Woman #2: Let me see if we can get somebody out there to help you.

Milton: Yes! I would like a technician to come out and look at it as soon as possible!

Woman #2: Sir, we can't-

Milton: I also have another problem with the door! Now, when the door comes down, once it hits an object, like a garbage pail, isn't it supposed to stop and reverse itself?

Woman #2: If it's a newer opener or any type of opener, it's supposed to reverse itself.

Milton: Hang on a sec, I'm gonna run the door again and se-

Woman #2: Sir, don't run it again!

Milton: I'm gonna stand underneath the door-

Woman #2: Sir! Don't stand under the door!

Milton: I want you to listen as it hits me! Here!

(Milton runs garage door while standing under it)

Woman #2: Sir! Sir! Don't le-

Milton: Okay! I'm running the door now, it's getting close to my head...

(garage door crushes Milton's head)

Milton: GAH!!! (gagging) I'm...I'm getting a little...(choking)

Woman #2: You know what? This is a really sick joke, okay? Don't call us back any longer...any more.

Milton: I can't breathe! (gagging, hacking)

(woman hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • This is one of the few calls where the people on the other end of the line realize they are being pranked.

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