The Dumpster
Disc 2, Track 1
Track guide
Christmas Crotchety

The Dumpster is the twenty-second prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(cans clanking)

(ringback tone)

Woman: (censored) Recycling and Waste.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! I'm stuck in one of your dumpsters!

Woman: In the dumpster?

Milton: I'm stuck in one of your dumpsters! I was collecting...aluminum you hear right now...for recycling! You know, I can get sixteen cents a pound! I can make seventy to eighty cents a day! And I got stuck in one of the dumpsters and I can't get out!

Woman: Sir, let me transfer you to dispatch.

Milton: Thank you! Hurry up! I might die in here!

(Milton is put on hold; calm hold music playing)

Frank: Operations, Frank.

Milton: Oh! Thank...

(cans clanking)

Milton: God you've answered! Frank, I'm stuck in one of your...deathtrap dumpsters!

Frank: How did you get in the dumpster, sir?

Milton: I'm collecting aluminum cans and...I climbed in, I leaned over...and I fell in!

Frank: Excuse me, push the top of the dumpster open and climb out.

Milton: I'm-!

(Milton tries to climb out)

Milton: I'm trying! I can't reach it!

Frank: What is your location, please?

Milton: What?!

Frank: What is your location?

Milton: I-! I think-I'm at the Denny's!

Frank: Which Denny's is that, sir?

Milton: No, I-no, I'm behind the IHOP!

Frank: What is...what street are you located on?

Milton: I'm-I'm having amnesia. I can't remember cause it was 100 degrees out there today and I'm all hot!

Frank: Can you tell me what part of the city you're in?

Milton: I'm somewhere near downtown!

(dump truck approaches)

Milton: Oh! Hold on a sec! What's that?

(dump truck gets closer)

Milton: I think the truck is coming!

Frank: Push the top of the dumpster open so the driver can see you!

Milton: I'm trying!

(dump truck grabs dumpster with Milton inside)

Milton: Oh no! I'm getting lifted!

Frank: What is the number of the truck?

Milton: I can't see and I-I'm getting lifted!

Frank: Tell me your location so I can get in touch with the driver!

Milton: I'm getting lift-I'm upside down!!!

(Milton is flipped inside the dumpster)

Milton: Agh!

Frank: Sir!

Milton: He's slamming the dump-I don't think-!

Frank: Sir, where are you?!

Milton: I don't think I can hold on! Agh! I'm falling down!!!

(Milton is dumped into the back of the dump truck)

Frank: Sir! Tell me where you are!

Milton: (grunting, screaming) I'm in the dumpster! I was tossed in the back of the truck! I think it stopped.

(dump truck starts to compact the trash, along with Milton)

Milton: WOAH!!!

Frank: Where are you, sir?

Milton: It's starting to compact!

Frank: Tell me where you are!

Milton: DAH! I don't know!

Frank: Oh my God, come on! Tell me where you are! You got to climb out of there!

Milton: He's compacting the load!

Frank: Try to climb out!

Milton: I'm trying-!

Frank: Get his attention! Oh my God! What are you doing?!

Milton: Can't move...getting wedged...


Milton: I can't...


Milton: (struggling, grunting in pain)


Milton: (grunting, screaming in pain)

Frank: WHERE ARE YOU?!!!

Milton: (grunting) I can't talk any long-it's a-

Frank: You got to try and get out! Get the driver's attention!

Milton: It's about to crush myself...


Milton: (getting crushed, grunts)

Frank: CLIMB OUT!!!

(call ends)

(ringback tone)


  • According to Todd Schnitt on his Twitter, this call was made in 1996.

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