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The Car Window Fiasco

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The Car Window Fiasco
Disc 1, Track 1
Track guide
Cayman Crotchety
Carpet Calls 1

The Car Window Fiasco is the first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Thank you for calling (censored) Lincoln-Mercury.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Get me the service department!

Woman: All right, hold on just a minute.

Milton: (nervously gasps)

(ringback tone)

Bob: Service department, Bob speaking.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Bob, I've got an automotive emergency on my hands!

Bob: What's the problem?

Milton: I'm stuck in the window! I'm driving on the expressway right now! I'm about 60 miles an hour! I leaned my head out to catch a nice, fresh breeze when the window malfunctioned and trapped my head! I'm stuck! Help me!!!

Bob: You're parked on the expressway, you say?

Milton: I'm driving at 60 miles an hour on the expressway!

Bob: 60, uh...hit the switch! The window switch!

(Milton hits switch, but it doesn't budge)

Milton: It's locked up! It's wedged!

Bob: The other way, the other way...

(Milton continues to hit the switch, but to no avail)

Milton: Will not...budge, budge, budge, budge, budge, budge! Stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck!

Bob: What's your name?

Milton: Milton Fludgecow!

(Milton panting)

Bob: Milt...uh, turn the key off!

Milton: I can't reach the key! I'm all wedged out through the window and I can't reach the key! The car is going 60 miles an hour!

Bob: You got-you got control of that thing?

Milton: (stammers) It's on cruise control and I'm steering with my knees!

Bob: Can you turn the cruise control off?

Milton: I can't reach that either! Help me! I'm out of control here!

Bob: Ju-just a second...(faintly talking to co-worker) Do you have...?

Milton: Help!

Bob: ...department. Yeah, Milt?

Milton: Yes!

Bob: Yeah, uh, you there?

Milton: Yeah! I'm here! Oh!

(Milton sees a toll sign)

Milton: "Toll Plaza- One Mile"!

Bob: Oh my God!

Milton: "Toll Plaza- One Mile!" Help!

Bob: Uh, can you-can you take your foot off the gas?

Milton: I'm not touching the gas! The cruise control is on!

Bob: Uh, how about the brake? Hit the brake.

Milton: I can't hit the brake! My foot is dangling about a foot off the brake! I'm halfway out the car! My head is locked up in the window like a walnut in a Sears Craftsman vice! It's only through the miracle of my cellular phone belt holster that I was able to call you! (gasping)

Bob: Oh my, how are you steering that thing?

Milton: I'm steering with my knees! Help-(gasps)

(Milton reads next toll sign)

Milton: "Toll Plaza- One Half Mile"! Half mile to toll plaza! (panting)

Bob: Um, can you pull the switch out?

Milton: What, the switch?!

Bob: Yeah! Pull it out! Get the wires or something!

(Milton pushes window switch, still not budging)

Milton: Pushing switch! Window's not budging!

Bob: Can you pull the switch out?

Milton: What?!

Bob: Can you pull the switch out?

Milton: I can't pull the switch-

(Milton sees and reads next toll sign)

Milton: "Toll Plaza- Quarter Mile"!

Bob: Oh God!

Milton: Quarter mile!

Bob: Hit the switch!

(Milton continuously hits window switch)

Bob: Hard as you can!

Milton: WHAT?!

Bob: Hit it as hard as you can!

Milton: I'm beating on it!

(Milton still hits window switch)

Bob: Harder!

Milton: I'm beating it!

Bob: You gotta pull it out or something!

Milton: I can't do it! TOLL PLAZA!!!!!

(Milton violently crashes into toll plaza)

Bob: Oh my God!

Milton: (screaming in pain)

(glass shattering sounds)

Milton: I just wiped out the toll plaza! (sighs heavily)

Bob: Oh my God, are you all right?

Milton: I'm okay, but I hope nobody was in the booth! I didn't see whether it was an exact toll change lane! Oh my God!

Bob: Milt?

Milton: Oh, I got a curve up ahead!

Bob: You're still moving?!

Milton: I got a curve! Curve up ahead! Oh my-!

(Milton weaves and swerves and crashes his car, presumably killing himself)

Bob: Oh (censored)! Milt! Milt! (to a co-worker) Jimmy, call 911! I think we got a car accident on the cur-


(ringback tone)


  • Milton's Lincoln-Mercury would return in future Crotchety Old Man Calls as his main vehicle.

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