The Bulldozer
Disc 1, Track 10
Track guide
Lick the Pope?
Overnight Chauncey

The Bulldozer is the tenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series.


(ringback tone)

Bob: Jones Heavy Equipment.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Who is this?!

Bob: This is Bob!

Milton: Bob! I rented one of your bulldozers! I'm on it right now and it's out of control!

Bob: Uh...

(Milton crashes into a Buick)

Milton: Holy crap! I just plowed into a Buick! How do I turn this thing off?!

Bob: Uhh...what?

(Milton crashes into another car)

Milton: Oh! Holy-! Gee, I just ran into another car! I was plowing a lot in my residential neighborhood and it's gone completely out of control!

Bob: Sir, sir...

Milton: What?!

(Milton runs over a gazebo)

Bob: Sir, what-? Sir! Sir!

Milton: Holy-! Ah! I just ran over somebody's gazebo!

Bob: Sir, what- which model is it? Which model bulldozer?

Milton: was a Caterpillar!

Bob: Yeah?

Milton: Eh, um.....D!..D6!

Bob: D, D6! D6! D6! Um...

Milton: D6! And it's out of contr-!

(Milton crashes through a house)

Milton: (screaming in pain and terror, grunting)

Bob: Sir! Sir!

Milton: (screaming) Hold on a sec! I'm crashing through somebody's house! (screaming) All I can say is thank God I had a cell phone with me! (grunting) Okay!

Bob: Sir!

Milton: I'm ou- I'm out on the street now!

Bob: Turn off the ignition!

Milton: What?!

Bob: Turn off the ignition! It's right there on the dash!

Milton: I've tried! The key snapped off in the ignition! It's all bent up! It won't shut off!

(Milton crashes into another car)

Milton: (screaming and grunting) I just hit another car!

Bob: Sir, there's a killswitch in it on your left!

Milton: I'm trying!

(Milton attempting to press killswitch)

Bob: Hit the killswitch!

(Milton runs over a toolshed)

Milton: (screaming and grunting)

Bob: Sir! Hit the killswitch!

Milton: I tried! Nothing is happening! Nothing- ah! I just ran over s- another toolshed! There are some Girl Scouts selling cookies up ahead!

Bob: Oh no...sir?!

Milton: Get out of the way! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!

(Milton runs over Girl Scout cookie stand)

(Girl Scouts screaming)

Bob: Are they okay? Did you hit them?

Milton: No! I ran over their stand! I crushed their lemonade and cookie stand like a bug, but they're okay! I see them behind me! Okay- how do I turn this thing off?!

Bob: There should be a killswitch right on your left! Just push the button there!

Milton: Wh...what, right here?

Bob: Yeah!

(bulldozer stops)

Milton: Okay, I got it! Tractor's off!

Bob: Sir....what is your name?

Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow! I rented this yesterday to do a small plowing job in my yard and now it's turned into my worst nightmare! What kind of defective equipment are you people renting?!

Bob: Defective equipment?!

Milton: Yes, you sch-!

Bob: Sir, you shouldn't even be operating that thing!

Milton: You schmucks rented me defective equipment! I'm gonna file a report and I'm gonna sue your ass off! It's gonna be "Fludgecow's Bulldozer Rental" by the time I get through with you!

Bob: I'm calling the cops on you right now! Goodbye!

Milton: (stammering)

(Bob hangs up)

(ringback tone)