|The Ab-Used Car Dealer|
The Y2K Toilet
The Wonder Boner
Jack: (talking to his co-workers in the background) Hey, (censored) Auto Sales. This is Jack speaking.
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the miserable piece of monkey puke that sold me this chunk of (censored)!
Jack: (stammering) Woah! Wait a minute! Calm down, sir! You don't have to use that tone of voice or that kind of language! Take it easy!
Milton: I'll use whatever kind of language I wanna use! Who is this?
Jack: My name is Jack.
Milton: Jack, (censored) you!
Jack: Sir! Please! You don't have to talk to me-can I help you with something?
Milton: Listen! Last week, I bought a big ol' Buick from you people! The minute I drove this thing off the lot, it starts falling apart like a pile of crap!
Jack: W-wh-what is your name, sir?
Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow! F! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W! First name Milton! Put the clone on the phone that sold me this load of crap!
Jack: Sir, (stammers), that's not possible. We could not have sold you a vehicle-
Milton: I want m-
Jack: I don't know what you're telling me here...
Milton: I want my money back!
Jack: But sir, all offer...no, you can't get your money back! I'm sorry! There are no cash refunds here!
Milton: Hey! Hey! Read my lips: I want my money back!
Jack: Look, uh, buddy-
Milton: Hey! Shut up a second! And why don't you let me get a word in edgewise?!
Milton: Hey! Listen to this! Do you know what this is right here?
Jack: What, sir?
(various metallic clanking noises)
Jack: What is-what is that?
Milton: That's the (censored) back bumper! It fell off and I got it inside the car right now and I can't get it snapped back on!
Jack: Sir, there is no way we could have sold you a car like that...
Milton: Hey! He-that's just the beginning! See if you know what this is, you schmuck!
(more metallic clanging and crashing)
Milton: Any idea what this...chunk...of...!
Jack: No, but I suppose you're gonna tell me, right?
Milton: ...crap is?! Yes, I am! That's the passenger door! It fell off!
Jack: Look, listen- first of all, you don't have to call me by names like that, and another thing, we didn't sell you a car that bad. There's no way we could've sold you that car.
Milton: Yes you did! It's the (censored) passenger door!
(metallic clanging continues)
Milton: It's right over here inside my freaking car! It came off! It snapped off the hinges like it was a toy!
Jack: Sir, are you sure you didn't have an accident after you drove the car off the lot?
Milton: Are you calling me a liar?!
Jack: No, I'm not. I'm just asking a question-
Milton: No! You're calling me a l-hey! (censored) you!
Jack: Sir, I asked you not to use that tone of voice with me. You don't have-look, we want to work with you on this, but you don't have to start-
Milton: Yeah! I'll tell ya how we're gonna work together! You're gonna give me my money back is what you gotta do!
Jack: No, the contract-if you read your contract, you signed it, the car is sold as is once you leave the lot. There's no refund here.
Milton: I've got the steering wheel right now, and it-!
(steering wheel wobbling)
Milton: The steering wheel is all...wobbling in my hands...like it's about to come-woah! Oh my god, the steering wheel's off!
(Milton veering off the road)
Milton: Woah! Holy crap! I'm swerving all over! Ho-hold on a sec!
Milton: Ah! I gotta get the steering wheel back on!
Jack: Oh my God, that guy's gonna have an accident. Hello?
Milton: Okay! Oh my God, I snapped the wheel back on! It came off like it was a Lego toy!
Jack: Can-can I...what are you doing to that vehicle?
Milton: I just bought it and I'm driving it right now! Guess where I'm headed.
Jack: Uh, I don't know. Where are you headed?
Milton: I'm coming down to your freaking car lot and I'm gonna bash into every car on your lot!
Jack: No! No! You can't do that, sir!
Milton: And then, I'm gonna smash right through your front (censored) window and pin you up against the wall!
Jack: What are you, some kind of a (censored) retard?! What's the matter with you?
Milton: Listen here, grease monkey! I'm coming down there! I've got a vendetta against you!
Jack: (to co-worker) Hey, Jimmy! Can you get on the other line, please, and call the police?
Jack: (to co-worker) Some (censored) nutjob. He wants to come down and (censored) bash all the (censored) cars. I don't like....son of a (censored). Look buddy, can you please just calm down? You can't come down here. The cops will be here, you'll get arrested. You do anything wrong, you'll be right in jail.
Milton: Oh yeah! You're scaring me! I'm shaking in my boots!
Jack: (to co-workers) Call the cops! Call the cops!
Milton: I'm coming down there! After I smash the cars and bash through your front window, I'm gonna pop the trunk on this load of crap you sold me, I'm gonna pull out the tirejack, and I'm gonna shove it so far up your-!
(Jack hangs up)
Milton: Hello?! Hello!
Milton: Hello?! Hello!
- This may quite possibly be the most profane call in the Crotchety call series, as Milton gets censored much more than usual here.
- This is the last Crotchety call to be officially released via the Nothing But Crotchety set, but it wouldn't be the last to be officially released by the MJ Morning Show nor the last one to be made at all.