Science Fair Project
Beeper in the Butt
Joanne: Thanks for calling Yellow, this is Joanne.
Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to some lugnut! I've got a complaint to file!
Joanne: Excuse me?
Milton: I said let me speak to somebody in authority! I've got a complaint to file!
Joanne: Just a moment, now...
Milton: What part of complaint don't you understand?!
(chatter in background on other line)
Joanne: You wish to speak to someone, ma'am?
Milton: I'm a sir! My name is Milton Fludgecow and I need to file a complaint! I'm in the hospital right now because of you people!
(chatter in background)
Joanne: ...hold on, please.
Joanne: Hold on, I'm gonna have to transfer you to another office...
Milton: Geez Louise!
Joanne: Please calm down!
Milton: Who the hell is this?
Man: I don't know. Who the hell are you?
Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow and I have a complaint to file!
Man: Why are you hollering at me?
Milton: I'm in the hospital right now and I'm in some kind of a tent- it's making all kinds of noise- so I feel like I have to raise my voice for you to hear me!
Man: Oh, okay.
Milton: I was in one of your taxis yesterday. While I was in the cab, I became very close to asphyxiation because the driver smelled so bad! I have never, ever, ever smelled a more horrid, rotten human stench in my life! I don't think this individual showered for like three or four months! (stammers) As I was leaving the cab and paying the fare, which I shouldn't have done in the first place, I collapsed, passed out from the stench- hit my head on a fire plug on the side of the road!
Man: Where was this-where'd he pick you up at?
Milton: Next to the tree!
Milton: As he pulled away, I bashed my head on the fire plug- lights out! Unconscious! Woke up in the hospital! I got twenty-nine stitches in my head, I got a fractured skull, myocardial infarctulation or something, I got an impacted number 4 and number 5 vertebrae, I got a detached retina, and simple chronic halitosis and gingivitis or something to that effect!
Man: Okay. Did you see the cab number?
Milton: Yes! 127 or 129 or...ninety...five, I-I don't remember because I'm still having horrible pains in my head!
Man: Did you wave him down or did you call for a cab?
Milton: I waved him down...I was in the cab for, like, three seconds when the blast wave hit me! Do you encourage your drivers to clean themselves?
Man: Of course we do, but I have to know...I have to have more information or I'll never find out who the driver is.
Milton: He had, like, brownish hair...Just start sniffing all your guys! He's the one that'll peel the paint off the walls! And he had brown hair! Oh! And he smells like a rotten turd!
Man: And where did he take you to?
Milton: He took me down the street- by the mailbox- is where he dropped me off, and that's where I hit my head on the fire plug! Next to the tree! On the corner!
Man: (sighs) And...
Milton: Now, I'm supposed to be released from the hospital later today and I'm coming down to pick up a check for my medical expenses!
Man: Not from me, you're not.
Milton: Yes, I-what do mean I'm not?! Yes, I am!
Man: No, sir.
Milton: Yes, I am! My bills are right now totaling close to $37,000!
(man hangs up)
Milton: Hello?! Hello?!
- "Yellow" is short for the Yellow Cab Company, which is a Chicago based taxi corporation known for it's familiar yellow taxi cabs.