Crotchety Old Man Calls Wiki

Science Fair Project

60pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share
Science Fair Project
Disc 2, Track 7
Track guide
Leave It To Beaver
Smelly Cab
Science Fair Project is the twenty-eighth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling the (censored) Consumer Resource Center...

Milton: (wails)

Pre-Recorded Message: Our seasonal hours are Monday through Friday, 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM...

Milton: I need help!!!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...Central time. If you are calling about a medical emergency...

Milton: Yes!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...involving Drano, Windex, Vanish, Mr. Muscle, Twinkle, or Shout Carpet, please call our medical...

Milton: All of the above! All of the above! Need help! Pushing random buttons now!

(Milton dialing help center number)

(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon, help center.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! My name is Milton Fludgecow, I'm calling from Florida, and I have a situation!

Woman: Okay, how can I help you?

Milton: My son Chauncey, fourteen years old, tips the scales at 439 pounds! He's in summer school cause he flunked all his classes last year cause he never studied jack crap! If I can be honest, he's a dumbass!

Woman: Mmm.

Milton: All he did was shove food in his mouth all day long! If he had a book in front of him instead of a pot roast, chicken leg, bag of Doritos, half gallon of Edy's Gourmet Chocolate Fudge ice cream, maybe he would've passed something! I would speculate!

Woman: How can I help you?

Milton: Here's the problem! He can earn some extra credit if he enters a project in the Super Summer Science Fair!

Woman: All right...

Milton: I thought he was gonna do something common like build a volcano, dissect a frog, or maybe run a lightbulb off of his butt gas!

Woman: Is there something I can help you with regarding our products?...

Milton: Why don't you just shut your yak trap and let me get a word in edgewise here, okay?!

Woman: ...okay.

Milton: Do we have an understanding?!

Woman: Yes-yes, sir...

Milton: Okay, like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, last week I had him scrubbing the toilets with Lysol Plus Bleach bathroom cleaner when he noticed a warning label, and I quote, "Do not mix with other household chemicals, such as products containing ammonia, toilet bowl cleaners, or acidic cleaners, as hazardous gases may be released". End quote!

Woman: That is correct...

Milton: Oh, really?

Woman: The interaction among various chemicals can produce toxic vapors which can be harmful. So, we recommend that you strictly adhere to the label instructions...

Milton: Oh! What are you, a scientist all of a sudden?! Sounds like you're reading that crap right out of a stinkin' textbook! Listen, I think it might be too late for that! His science project is called "Fun With Mixing Household Cleaners" and he's up in his room right now!

Woman: Sir, that's dangerous! And we would suggest that you prevent him from doing that thing-

Milton: I tell you what I suggest! I suggest that you shut your trap and stop telling me how to run my household and raise my children!

Woman: Yes, sir...but-

Milton: He's locked in his room right now! He's mixing your stuff with 2000 Flushes, Lime-A-Way, Pine-Sol, Clorox, Soft Scrub, Drano, Tilex, Formula 409, the crap with the scrubbling (fizzing noises) bubbles! He's got some Raid Flying Insect Killer, Amaco Ultimate 93 Octane gasoline, and some fen-phen!

Woman: Stop him immediately! It sounds like he could have the danger of fire or explosions...

Milton: Wait a sec! I'm on the cordless phone, I'm gonna run...upstairs...right now, almost at the top of the steps, and-oh my God. Wait a sec! Do you hear the bubbling?

(bubbling noises coming from Chauncey's room)

Woman: Yes...what is that, sir?...

Milton: There's all kinds of green ooze and hissing coming from out of his door!

Woman: Get everyone out of the house now!

Milton: Hang on...

(Milton knocking on Chauncey's door)

Milton: Chauncey!

Woman: Sir, get everyone out of the house and call 911 now!

(Milton pounding on Chauncey's door)

Milton: Chauncey! Chauncey, let me...Chauncey! Let me in here! Chaun-

(Milton becomes asphyxiated by chemical fumes)

Milton: (choking, hacking)

Woman: Sir?

Milton: I'm starting to become overcome by the fumes! (hacking) I can't breathe! (choking and hacking) I can't hold onto the phone any longer!

(beeping on other line)

(Milton hacking and choking)

(Milton's house blows up)

(ringback tone)


Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki