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Salad Shooter
Disc 2, Track 19
Track guide
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The Car Alarm
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Eyewear Scare
Salad Shooter is the fortieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.

TranscriptEdit

(salad shooter motor running)

(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Welcome to (censored). If you know the extension you are calling, please press "1". For store hours, press "2". If you have a question regarding your account or bill...

Milton: I got an emergency!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...directions to the store, press "5".

Milton: I-I got an emer-!

Pre-Recorded Message: For an operator, press "0". For calling...

Milton: I got an emergency! Operator!

(Milton presses 0)

Pre-Recorded Message: Please hold during the silence...

Milton: I'm holding! Help!!!

Woman: Can I help you?

Milton: Oh my God! Thank God you've answered! Help me!

(glass breaking in background)

Woman: What's the problem, sir?

Milton: I'm-I bought one of those salad shooters and it's going crazy! The salad shooter is shooting crap all over my kitchen! AHHH!!!! It's launching carrots like missiles!

Woman: Unplug it, sir!

Milton: What?!

Woman: Unplug it!

Milton: I can't! It's stuck in the wall and it won't break free! AHH!!!

Woman: Try the switch! Turn off the switch!

Milton: The switch broke off like a little toy! And it's not working!

Woman: (talking to co-worker) He has a problem with the salad shooter. It's going all over the place. What did you do?

Milton: It's ruining my house! GEE!!!

(vegetable is thrown through the shooter, collides with the wall loudly)

Woman: Pull the plug harder, sir!

Milton: I'm pulling it as hard as I possibly can! Your damn salad shooter is ruining my life!

(glass breaks, Milton wails)

(crashing stops, salad shooter suddenly stops)

Milton: Oh my God, you're not gonna believe it. It just shut off all by itself!

Woman: Sir, bring that back to the store immediately!

Milton: Oh! Sure thing, tootsie baby! See you later! Bye bye!

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)

TriviaEdit

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