Salad Shooter
Disc 2, Track 19
Track guide
The Car Alarm
Eyewear Scare
Salad Shooter is the fortieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(salad shooter motor running)

(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Welcome to (censored). If you know the extension you are calling, please press "1". For store hours, press "2". If you have a question regarding your account or bill...

Milton: I got an emergency!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...directions to the store, press "5".

Milton: I-I got an emer-!

Pre-Recorded Message: For an operator, press "0". For calling...

Milton: I got an emergency! Operator!

(Milton presses 0)

Pre-Recorded Message: Please hold during the silence...

Milton: I'm holding! Help!!!

Woman: Can I help you?

Milton: Oh my God! Thank God you've answered! Help me!

(glass breaking in background)

Woman: What's the problem, sir?

Milton: I'm-I bought one of those salad shooters and it's going crazy! The salad shooter is shooting crap all over my kitchen! AHHH!!!! It's launching carrots like missiles!

Woman: Unplug it, sir!

Milton: What?!

Woman: Unplug it!

Milton: I can't! It's stuck in the wall and it won't break free! AHH!!!

Woman: Try the switch! Turn off the switch!

Milton: The switch broke off like a little toy! And it's not working!

Woman: (talking to co-worker) He has a problem with the salad shooter. It's going all over the place. What did you do?

Milton: It's ruining my house! GEE!!!

(vegetable is thrown through the shooter, collides with the wall loudly)

Woman: Pull the plug harder, sir!

Milton: I'm pulling it as hard as I possibly can! Your damn salad shooter is ruining my life!

(glass breaks, Milton wails)

(crashing stops, salad shooter suddenly stops)

Milton: Oh my God, you're not gonna believe it. It just shut off all by itself!

Woman: Sir, bring that back to the store immediately!

Milton: Oh! Sure thing, tootsie baby! See you later! Bye bye!

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)