|Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub|
|Disc 1, Track 20|
Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub is the twentieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series. This is the first and only call in the series where Milton is the one being called. In this call, Milton pretends to be an old woman named Christine.
Louis: Hi, is this Christine (censored)?
Louis: Hi, my name is Louis Williams. I'm calling on behalf of (censored). And because you're a valued (censored) member, calling to offer you a free trial membership in the (censored) nationwide auto plan. As a member, you will receive twenty-four emergency roadside assistance, discounts on car maintenance and purchases, custom trip routing, lockout service, hotel, motel discounts, and much more. And by enrolling today, you'll receive a free gift for his and her sports watches-
Milton: Slow down! You're giving me a headache! What?
Louis: Umm...I'm calling from (censored) on the free-
Louis: Trial membership-
Milton: I'm-I'm possessed by Satan.
Louis: Excuse me?
Milton: What kind of sport watches do I get?
Louis: You will get, um...free his and hers sports watches, but, um, we're calling for a membership to the nationwide auto plan for (censored). Are you familiar with the benefits of an auto plan, ma'am?
Milton: Um, no, I'm not! Let's say that my car breaks down...on the side of the road- am I covered?
Louis: Yes, um, if you or your spouse ever have an emergency road situation like a flat tire, no gas, a dead battery-
Milton: How about Beelzebub?
Louis: Excuse me?
Milton: How about Beelzebub crawling in the gas tank and making it all flicky?
Louis: Yes, um, all you have to do- we have a twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, toll-free number that you can call from anywhere in the country if your car happens to break down, and-
Milton: I'm elderly and about three years ago, when I was ninety, I lost control of my vehicle then I ran into a bus stop. And I had four people pinned under the car, and the car bashed through the bus stop and landed inside of a Burger King. Would I be covered?
Louis: Um, I sorry to hear that, but, uh, your car will be covered. (laughs) Um, how many cars do you have at your household?
Milton: I've got seven, but they're all up on blocks in the front yard. Only one runs.
Louis: Oh, that's fine. Any cars you or your spouse drive are covered at no additional fee, whether it's your own, rented, or borrowed. And your trial membership, for a full thirty days, is free.
Milton: How about road rage? Is that covered?
Louis: Excuse me?
Milton: Road rage!
Louis: Um, can you clarify what that is, ma'am?
Milton: You've never heard of road rage?
Louis: Um, no, I haven't.
Milton: Ask somebody right next to you if they know what road rage is!
Louis: Um, I can't do that right now-
Milton: That's when you get very upset on the road and you decide to take out your frustrations on other drivers by weaving and swerving and cutting them off and even shooting them.
Louis: Well, uh, if your car overheats or if you have a flat tire or you need emergency gas delivered or your battery died and you need a jump-start-
Milton: Let's say I'm in the middle of performing road rage because some whipper-snapper cut me off and I pull out a gun and shoot them, or I weave and swerve and a tire flies off- that would be covered?
Louis: Yes, your tire would be covered-
Milton: Ev-even in the commission of a felony?
Louis: Um.....that's basically-that, you'd have to, uh, consult that with the police officer, but your car will be covered. Need to understand, if you catch a flat tire, all you have to do is dial, uh, the customer service toll-free number from anywhere in the country, and service will be able to reach you.
Milton: My bowels haven't moved in three weeks. Is that covered?
Louis: No, ma'am. Unfortunately, it's not. Um-
Milton: How about car-jacking?
Louis: Um, no, ma'am. Just any kind of emergency roadside service, if you're-
Milton: Because, I've been car-jacked...
Louis: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. But, uh, this covers basic-
Milton: They used-
Louis: -emergency roadside service.
Milton: They used a garden hoe!
Milton: I was car-jacked at garden hoe-point!
Louis: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am, but, um-
Milton: That's the big craze here; they're hijacking and car-jacking people with garden tools.
Louis: Okay, um...but with your permission, I'd like to process your thirty-day free trial membership, announcing your preferred membership materials to you right away and all the benefits I've described, plus many others will be explained.
Milton: Let's say I sign up for the program and I start testing it out by slashing my own tires or cutting my own fuel lines. Is that covered?
Louis: Um, yes, you can call the number and the services will come to you, and if you're not satisfied with the service within the thirty days, you can cancel at any time, and-
Milton: What if I don't like the tow truck driver? Am I allowed to kick him in the nuts?
Louis: Um, I don't think so, ma'am, but you can request another one by dialing maybe your favorite service station, and-uh, your covers will be reimbursed for up to $130 or whatever the service was needed.
Milton: Because I'm very picky with my tow truck drivers.
Louis: Understand. I'm the same way, ma'am, um, but, um, like I said, your dues, after the thirty days-your dues will conveniently-
Milton: Let me-let me ask you another question before I sign up cause I-I like your program.
(BJ snickering in background)
Milton: And I think you're doing a great sales job.
Louis: Okay. I'm listening, ma'am.
Milton: I am quite elderly, but I still like to get down and have "hanky panky", do you know what I mean?
Louis: Okay, ma'am. I understand.
Milton: What do I mean?
Louis: Um...well...I can tell you like this, um...there are, there are benefits...from this auto plan-
Milton: Let me make it clean and simple for ya: I like to have sex in the back seat. Now, let's say I'm really getting into it...and the shocks break. Is that covered?
(BJ laughing in background)
Louis: Uh, ma'am, that would be covered if your shocks happen to break and you just dial the number, they'll-assistance will be coming to you as soon as possible.
Milton: Okay, sign me up.
Louis: Okay, ma'am, um, great. Now, with your permission, I'd like to record our conversation and confirm your mail address so there's no chance of a-
Milton: I can't-I can't be heard on tape because I'm a member of the Devil Tribe.
Louis: You can't be heard on tape?
Milton: My voice does not print on tape because I'm a witch.
Louis: Okay, I understand, um, I'll just call my supervi- okay, um...I have your name, ma'am. It's Christine (censored)?
Milton: Can you call me back in five minutes?
Louis: Um, unfortunately, I can't, ma'am, but this will only take a second-
Milton: I've gotta go because my bowels are about to move right now!
(BJ snickering in the background)
Louis: Oh, I understand.
Milton: They haven't gone in three weeks now! I gotta go!
(Milton hangs up)