|Reckless Pizza Guy|
|Disc 3, Track 14|
Young Man: (partially bleeped) Domino's Pizza.
Milton: D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the craphead manager!
Young Man: This is the manager. You don't have to speak to me like that-
Milton: I saw your ad in the paper for a pizza delivery driver and I'm coming down right now to take the job! As a condition of my parole, I must be employed by 6:00 this evening, so I'm coming over right now! I'm in the car! I'll be there in just a few minutes!
(Milton honks his horn at the car in front of him)
Milton: Get the hell out of the way! Hey! Jackass! Get the hell out of the way or I'll smash you!
Young Man: Hey man! Calm down! What's your driving record like?
Milton: Well, I've got a problem with the driving record. Do you require a DMV transcript?
Young Man: Definitely.
Milton: Well, I figure it's about time that I'm up front and honest so we can start this relationship off on a good foot!
Young Man: Why don't we do this over the phone? Why don't you read me...some of the problems that you got and I'll see if you're qualified?
Milton: Well...right now, I have a suspended driver's license for three DUI's!
Young Man: Can't argue with that. I have a license.
Milton: Well-well, that's not it. Why don't you grab a piece of paper and a pencil and write this stuff down?
Young Man: (in background) All right...
Milton: All right, I've got three DUI's...
Young Man: (to co-worker) Mike, we got a guy on the phone that wants to apply for a driver. He's got three DUI's. (to Milton) Go ahead, sorry.
Milton: I've got two hundred unpaid parking and speeding tickets...
Young Man: (laughs) We're not gonna hire you, but go ahead.
Milton: Also, I have several reckless driving tickets, and a-
Young Man: (to co-worker) Reckless driving record, three DUI's!
Milton: But that's not the worst of it! I have a felony hit-and-run after bashing my car through a chruch picnic and dragging a nun under my car for three miles!
Young Man: You dragged a nun under your car for three miles?
Milton: Yes! That was vehicular homicide, but all those days of road rage are behind me!
(Milton honking horn at car in front of him)
Milton: Hey! You son of a bi-! Get out of the way! Move that piece of crap! What kind of a moron are you! That's it! I'm gonna ram you!
(Milton steps on the gas and crashes into car in front of him)
Young Man: Hey, calm down, man!
Milton: (yelling) Ramming car in front of me; he won't get out of the way!
(Milton continues ramming his car into car in front of him)
Milton: Get out of the way!
(Milton honks horn)
Young Man: What, are you on drugs, man? Are you all right?
Milton: Oh, that brings up a good point! Do I have to take a drug test?
Young Man: Uh...yes, you do.
Milton: No! There's no drug test! I will pass on that one! You'll have to wean the drug test for this particular employment application!
Young Man: Sounds like you're on drugs right now!
Milton: Oh! Really funny! You think you're a stinking comedian-!
(Milton honks horn again)
Milton: Get out of the way! I got another moron-! Get out of the way, you jackass! Get out of the...that's it, I'm gonna sideswipe you!
(Milton crashes into car)
Young Man: (to co-worker) Now he's sideswiping the car open!
Milton: How do you like your fancy smancy BMW now, you loser?!
(Milton honks horn again)
Milton: Get out of the way! GET...OUT...OF...THE...WAY!!! I can get the pizzas there in thirty minutes or less!
Young Man: Listen, you're not gonna be delivering pizzas for us...
(police sirens go off)
Milton: Oh crap! I got the cops behind me now! Oh my God! I'm being chased by the cops! Can you hear the police sirens?
Young Man: Yeah!
Milton: I feel like I'm in World's Scariest Police Chases 6! Hold on! Gotta shake the cops!
Young Man: (to co-worker) Now he's getting chased by the cops!
(Milton flees from the police)
Milton: Gotta put the pedal to the metal!
Milton: Okay! I lost the cops! I'm coming down there right now to apply for the job! I'm gonna be delivering pizzas in fifteen minutes for you!
Young Man: If you come down here, I'm gonna call the police as soon as you get here.
Milton: Oh! Are you threatening me? Listen here, minimum wage pizza boy! I'm gonna come down there and jam three pepperoni pizzas up your-!
(manager hangs up)
Milton: Hey, pizza putz! Hello? Hello!