Pop-Tart Fire
Disc 1, Track 7
Track guide
Mattress Mayhem
The Elevator

Pop-Tart Fire is the seventh prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series.


(ringback tone)

Lisa: Hello, Kelloggs Consumer Hotline. This is Lisa. How may I help you?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered, Lisa! How are you today?

Lisa: I'm fine. How are you?

Milton: Oh, I'm scared to death! I'm quivering!

Lisa: Sir, what's the matter?

Milton: Well, have you heard about the big Pop-Tart blaze scare?

Lisa: Sir, Pop-Tarts have been on the market for twenty-six years and they have been tested and they are safe if they are toasted according to the directions on the box and according to the directions on your toaster oven.

Milton: Well-

Lisa: There should be no problem whatsoever, sir.

Milton: I've got my toaster...

(metallic clanging in background)

Milton: Right here. Can you hear that?

Lisa: Yes I can, sir.

Milton: And I have the Pop-Tarts inside right now and I've been holding down the lever for the last five minutes or so!

Lisa: That's not a good idea.

Milton: Well, here's my reasoning: I want to see how long it actually does take for the Pop-Tarts to blow up-

Lisa: Sir!

Milton: Just so I- yes?

Lisa: Sir, that's not a good idea! I don't recommend you do that!

Milton: It's okay!

(Milton's toaster goes up in flames)

Milton: Oh! I got a fire! Ah! They're up! Oh my God!

Lisa: Sir, sir, j-just a moment, please...

Milton: Th-the Pop-Tarts are on fire! It's like Backdraft in here! Lisa, are you with me?!

Lisa: Sir, hang on!

Milton: Lisa!

Lisa: Sir, do not-do not hang up-I'm going to get my supervisor.

Milton: The whole kitchen-!

Lisa: Hold on!

Milton: The whole kitchen's burning down!

(smoke detector goes off)

Milton: Oh! There goes the smoke detector!

Lisa: Sir...sir, hang on! I'm getting my supervisor!

Milton: These Pop-Tarts are ruining my life! AGHHH! We've got a fully engaged fire here! Agh!

Supervisor: Sir?

Milton: Hello?!

Supervisor: This is the supervisor.

Milton: Hello?! Hello?!

Supervisor: You have a fire? Please try and extinguish the fire.

Milton: Your Pop-Tarts are ruining my life! Ho-hold on a sec! Hold on-(grunts)!

(Milton extinguishes the fire)

Supervisor: Sir, are you okay?

Milton: I've got it, I've got it. Hold on!

(Milton continues to extinguish the fire)

Milton: Okay! Fire's out! Oh!

Supervisor: Sir, are you okay?

Milton: Oh, I'm okay, just a li-

Supervisor: I was told that you would deliberately try to set the Pop-Tarts on fire. Why would you do that? 

Milton: Well, I was just trying to see how long it would take to ignite! You know, I read that whole thing in the paper and I'm a big strawberry Smucker's-filled Pop-Tart fanatic, I eat about three boxes a day, and I was just scared. (sigh)

Supervisor: Sir-

Milton: (coughing, hacking) Hey, we got some smoke in here still. Hold on!

(smoke detector goes off again)

Milton: The smoke detector-!

Supervisor: The Pop-Tart...stay on the-do not-

Milton: Hold on, hold on, hooooooold on! Let me clear the smoke! SHUT UP A SECOND WHILE I CLEAR THE SMOKE!!!

(Milton stumbling and hacking)

Supervisor: Sir, are you okay?

Milton: Okay, okay. Smoke's cleared, I'm okay. (coughs)

Supervisor: Sir, you said your entire kitchen was damaged?

Milton: (sighs) Well, not exactly, I've overreacted. Just the toaster-

Supervisor: But you said your entire kitchen was destroyed.

Milton: No, just the toaster...

(metallic clanging)

Milton: Is melted a little bit.

(toaster clanging)

Supervisor: Sir, I gonna have to take a report on this-

Milton: Oh! No, you don't! I gotta run! Tell Tony the Tiger I said hi! "They're great"! Bye-bye!

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)

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