|Disc 2, Track 16|
Woman: Good afternoon, (censored) Multiplex, how can I help you?
Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Is this the movieplex?
Woman: Yes it is!
Milton: I need to speak to the manager, not some minimum wage floor sweeper!
Woman: Hold on.
Milton: Get me the manager! I don't need some snack bar ho!
(line starts playing That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain)
Man #1: Thank you for holding. How may I help you?
Milton: Yes, is this the manager?
Man #1: Yes, it is.
Milton: First of all, I had Shania Twain blaring in my ear while I was on hold. That is unacceptable- she dresses like a prostitute! Do you realize that?
Man #1: Yes, I'm sorry.
Milton: Now- I need to rent the theater.
Man #1: Okay...
Milton: I want to rent the entire theater for next Wednesday, three o'clock for Star Wars.
Man #1: Okay, um, all rentals have to go through our, um, home office-
Milton: (talking over the man) Da-da-da-da-da! Mmm-DA-da-da-da-da-da! Ba-ba-ba! No! I'm not dealing with a home office! It's time for you to step up to the plate and make a management decision.
Man #1: I'm sorry, it's just the way it's always been done.
Milton: I need the entire theater. My son Chauncey is 15 years old, 550 or 575 pounds now, and he cannot interact with other patrons.
Man #1: Alright. I understand that-
Milton: He's been expelled from school, he has a violent temper, anger management problems, he belches, passes gas, and he spits at people at will. He's on medication- doesn't work. In fact, I just had to go to the sporting goods store and we had to get him a hockey mask to prevent him from spitting at people.
Man #1: (laughing) Okay....
Milton: Oh, you think my dillema's funny, do you?
Man #1: No, I'm not. I'm sorry.
Milton: I have a living hell going on here and you're laughing at me!
Man #1: No, I'm not. I apologize.
Milton: Okay, get your pad and paper ready- you got three seconds.
Man #1: Okay.
Milton: One, two-
Man #1: Go, go, go...
Milton: Here are my demands for the theater. Write these down- number one: I need to rope off the entire theater with security guards...to make sure no one else goes in. I can't afford the liability in case he spits at somebody or bites them.
Man #1: Mm-hm.
Milton: Okay, number two: I need you to unbolt between twelve and sixteen seats in the center of the theater cause we're going to be bringing in our own couch.
Man #1: Okay, hold on please, I'm sorry.
(line moves to someone else)
Man #2: What can I help you with?
Milton: Who is this now?!
Man #2: Mr. (censored).
Milton: And what do you do?
Man #2: I'm a manager...
Milton: Well, who was the idiot I was just talking to?!
Man #2: I don't know...is there something I can help you with?
Milton: What's that racket in the background?!
Man #2: Uh...the projection booth.
Milton: Well, I can't hear a word you're saying! I got a list of demands cause I'm renting the theater next Wednesday for Star Wars!
Man #2: ....hold on a second, please.
Milton: Holy crap! How many people am I gonna speak to at this place?!
Man #3: Hello, it's (censored), can I help you?
Milton: Yes! How many people am I gonna speak to over there?!
Man #3: What do ya need?
Milton: I'm renting the theater next Wednesday for Star Wars!
Man #3: No, you aren't! We're not even rentin'!
Milton: I already have it all hooked up. It's all hooked up. I'm renting the theater for Wednesday at three o'clock for Star Wars! Where can I set up the barbecue grill?
Man #3: The barbecue-you can't barbecue inside the theater!
Milton: No, I was told I can barbecue inside the theater.
Man #3: No, you can't. That's against fire rules.
Milton: No, I was told by the main office, I'm bringing my big barbecue and all-
Man #3: You'll just have to take that up with the fire marshal, that's all I can say. We have to have clearance from him.
Milton: No! You can take it up with the fire marshal because your home office, your district ma-
Man #3: No, it's the customer's request, and that's your demand, and uh..you don't have to...clear that-
Milton: Bup! Bup! Bup! Bup! Listen here, film flunkie! I'm bringing in the barbecue grill, and what are you gonna do about it?!
Man #3: Well, I'm callin' the police!
Milton: Dooooooh! You're scaring me! Oh! I got the Darth Vader talking helmet!
Darth Vader helmet: (in distorted, cracking voice) "Luke, I am your father....May the force be with you...."
(distorted groovy rendition of Star Wars theme plays from helmet)
Milton: Listen to the high quality stereo audio! Okay, that's enough! Turn it down, turn- turning it down! Alright, plus the fact, we're bringing our pet monkey into the theater!
Man #3: No, you can't.
Milton: Oh yeah? Well, I'm bringing our pet monkey in the theater or else I'll take a lightsaber and jam it up your keister!
(man hangs up)
Milton: Hello? Hello! Hello!!!
- The song playing when Milton is on hold is That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain.
- Star Wars is an epic space opera media and film franchise by George Lucas. This call makes several references to it, such as Darth Vader and lightsabers.
- A fire marshal is a high-ranking member of a fire department responsible for fire code enforcement.