Milton Fludgecow

Milton Fludgecow
The Crotchety Old Man
Aliases	Walter Creeglecrotch "Christine"
Age	117
Occupation	Retired
Height	Unknown
Weight	Unknown
Family	Chauncey Fludgecow (son) Estelle Fludgecow (daughter) Unknown third child
Likes
Dislikes
Catchphrase	"Oh, thank God you've answered!"

Milton Fludgecow (Walter Creeglecrotch at one point) is the main character of the Crotchety Old Man Calls, portrayed by MJ Kelli. He is a crotchety old man who frequently finds himself in trouble, calling up all kinds of people whenever he lands in a dilemma, either improving his situation or making it worse.

Biography

Milton's age is never specified, though it tends to range from 70 to 90, usually hovering around 80; in the Wonder Boner prank call, Milton claims to be 117 years old. He has three children (two frequently mentioned children named Chauncey and Estelle and one unknown child only mentioned in Turkey Hotline) and is divorced, though he still meets with his divorced wife at Thanksgiving, most likely on visitation rights involving his two aforementioned children. Milton has been shown as spoiling his children, going to many extremes to try and get things for them. Based on dialogue from prank calls, Milton seems to have family based in Florida, Michigan, and New Mexico. However, in the Car Insurance call, he states he doesn't have any family, calling them all "bastards" and claiming that they left him. This could imply that Milton's demeanor and incompetence drove his family away from him and possibly lost him custody of his children. Despite this, however, he mentions bringing five other people with him on a vacation to the Cayman Islands in Cayman Crotchety, and one of them is said to be Chauncey and the other is his wife. Depending on when this was made, this either takes place before Car Insurance, or Milton somehow managed to make peace with his family and his wife, and regained some form of custody over Chauncey and Estelle.

Retired, Milton has said to have had a job at a Sun Bank in a place known as Fletcher (presumably a street or a shopping center) as a bank teller where he had a very unfortunate accident where his groin got caught in a pneumatic tube that ended with him getting an penile implant, which later malfunctioned on him; it can been presumed that he quit this job. He was once a security guard for a construction site, but he was presumably fired after he tampered with a wrecking ball, causing it to demolish several buildings. Other jobs Milton has applied for include pizza delivery driver, carpet salesman, and so on. He occasionally brings up that his doctor is Dr. Jack Kevorkian when in a situation involving death or pain, a reference to Dr. Kevorkian's practice in assisted suicide.

Milton has been shown to favor shipping things by mail, but is not that intelligent in doing so. He first sent his son Chauncey in a box to the latter's grandmother in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and then later his late mother's body in a refrigerator box from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Okeechobee, Florida, losing track of both in the mail each time. However, it could be presumed that the packages eventually arrived to their destination since Chauncey is mentioned as a present in later calls, though nothing further was heard on his mother.

Milton's car of choice seems to be a gold 1987 Lincoln-Mercury Grand Marquis, which was first mentioned in the Car Window Fiasco call, and has reappeared various times since. Other vehicles favored by Milton include a Dodge Stratus, an unnamed truck (from the Milton Flips Truck call), and numerous other vehicles up on blocks in his yard (mentioned in the Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub call).

Milton's exact living location is an enigma. In the Y2K Toilet call, he claimed to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Tampa, Florida (which is the more consistent address of them all); next, in the Garage Door call, he says he lives at 4206 Flika-Flaka Lane in an unspecified location (presumably Tampa); then in the Y2K Survival Kit call, Milton says that he's from 1412 Flika-Flaka Lane in Corbin, Ohio; and finally, in the Wonder Boner call, he claims to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Meekerville, Ohio. In addition, his zip code tends to jump around from 41111 (a Spanish zip code) to 42705 (a Turkish zip code). Milton has claimed in at least one call that the name "Flika-Flaka" is an Iroquois Native-American name, and in the other to be the name of Christopher Columbus's brother-in-law. Milton's phone call seems to be in a similar state of being as his address; he once stated his phone number is 75 since he received the 75th phone number in the USA in 1887, but then in another instance claimed his phone number is 76. Based on the The Implant call, it can be implied that Milton may have lived in New Jersey at one point, as the Sun Bank he once worked at is a company based in New Jersey.

Over the years, Milton has been attacked by many demonically possessed objects such as a demonic Furby, a cable box, and a toaster oven, though this may be since in a reverse prank call to an auto club, he mentioned that he was a witch and a member of the "Devil Tribe", as well as mentioning that he was "possessed by Satan".

Due to his behavior, Milton has found himself in trouble with the law various times, as he was once placed on parole, was chased by the police at least once, and has had the police called on him many times.

Health

Milton has shown to have numerous health problems in the prank calls, both physical and mental. He has mentioned using a Hoveround, presumably due to him being elderly and geriatric, despite being apparently able to run up a flight of stairs. In addition, Milton has claimed to be overweight and a midget, which could be another reason for why he needs a Hoveround. He was once hospitalized for triple bypass surgery and has a peacemaker, showing that he may have heart problems. Milton has stated that he has a glass eye due to a batting cage accident involving Chauncey, and also wears glasses, as mentioned in a prank call and as depicted on the Crotchety albums' artwork. The previously aforementioned accident with a pneumatic tube mangled his penis and drove him to getting a penile implant, but he also claimed in a later call that he has erectile dysfunction and was going to be put on Viagra for the condition, meaning he most likely got the implant removed after it malfunctioned. Milton once called a shoe company over some defective orthopedic shoes, implying that Milton has a medical condition that requires him to wear such shoes, either due to his age or another reason. In various calls, Milton is shown as having a hearing aid, and it has come into play in the plots of said calls. He owns a Craftmatic adjustable bed, which he mentioned that he needed for a "medical condition" when trying to get tax deductions from the IRS, implying that he may have back issues.

As far as mental health problems go, he claims to be diagnosed with ADD which often causes him to get in trouble, and seems to be somewhat forgetful. In addition, Milton may have a kind of anger management issue, as he very frequently gets mad, and/or sometimes resorts to extremes. He once said that he underwent a lobotomy and spent time in a mental institution after suffering a violent nervous breakdown when a carpet salesman denied a claim he filed on a carpet he ruined himself, though this may have been a lie or an incomplete lobotomy, as he seems as hotheaded as ever in later calls. Milton also seems to be suicidal, since he mentioned his doctor is the infamous Dr. Kevorkian, and has talked about committing suicide, and even actually accomplishing this goal, in several of his prank calls. This could imply that (most likely due to age) his mental state is slowly deteriorating, and this claim could be supported by his apparent forgetfulness that pops up in his calls. He also once mentioned in a prank call that he wanted to avoid a required drug test, heavily implying that Milton abuses illicit substances.

In spite of all of Milton's health issues, however, his resilience to death could be compared to that of a cockroach. As mentioned previously, Milton has survived all kinds of events that would kill an average human being, especially one of his age: among other things, he has attempted suicide, been shot, asphyxiated by hazardous fumes and a mechanical bed, involved in several automobile accidents, drowned, electrocuted, hurtled through walls and down stairs, dropped down an elevator shaft, attacked by a swarm of angry bees, bitten by a rabid squirrel, mauled by a lioness, crushed by a garage door, frozen, burned, and even blown up several times, but manages to come back every time.

Personality

Milton is, as the title of the series says, crotchety. He can be very hotheaded, often calling people while being angry (sometimes to the point of being hysterical) and cursing them out, possibly leading to his run-ins with the police and various other misfortunes. He seems to have a overwhelming fear of the infamous Y2K problem, calling a toilet company over a tabloid about how certain toilets wouldn't work on the day of the Y2K disaster, as well as buying survival kits, fortifying his home, and purchasing weapons of various kinds in preparation of Y2K. This also may imply that Milton is a bit of an anxious person, backed by his panic surrounding a "Pop-Tart blaze scare". As previously mentioned, Milton has ADD and is a little suicidal, which tends to make him very accident prone. Milton seems to somewhat share his son Chauncey's affinity for childish things since he has claimed to own a Tamagotchi, which was heard in Cremation Crotchety.

Aside from his anger issues, Milton has shown a generous side, going out of his way to accommodate Chauncey's whims, getting into a heated argument with a mall manager over an incident involving Estelle and a drunken mall Santa, and defending himself when confronted about how he raises his children and cares for them, such as when Chauncey was mixing household cleaners and when he shipped Chauncey in a box and mentioned all of the things he did for him, and even once trying to rent out an entire theater just so he, Chauncey, and presumably Estelle could watch Star Wars. At the same time, however, Milton is shown as not being above criticizing his own children's behavior, calling Chauncey a "dumbass" for flunking out of his classes. Since Chauncey has been described as having similar anger management issues, it could be said that Milton's behavior may have rubbed off on his son.

Family

• Unnamed wife (divorced)
• Chauncey Fludgecow (son)
• Estelle Fludgecow (daughter)
• Unknown child (only mentioned once)
• Unnamed mother (deceased)
• Various other family members (estranged)

Pets

Milton has been known to have several pets, ranging from normal to exotic, and they have been mentioned from time to time in the calls. Some of Milton's pets include:

• Curline (a gopher)
• Harriet (a beaver), named after Harriet Miers

• Horace (an iguana)

• Lumpy and Mumpy (gerbils)

• Moogie (a squirrel)

• Precious (a dog)

• Scooter (a meerkat)

• An unnamed monkey

• Some unnamed puppies