Milton Fludgecow (Walter Creeglecrotch at one point) is the main character of the Crotchety Old Man Calls, portrayed by MJ Kelli. He has been frozen, injured, arrested, placed on parole multiple times, and presumably killed through the course of the calls, though he always returns alive and unscathed.
Milton's age is never specified, though it tends to range from 70 to 90, usually hovering around 80; in the Wonder Boner prank call, Milton claims to be 117 years old. He has two children named Chauncey and Estelle and is divorced, though he still meets with his divorced wife at Thanksgiving, most likely on visitation rights involving his two aforementioned children. Then, in the Car Insurance call, he states he doesn't have any family, claiming that they left him. This could imply that Milton's hotheaded demeanor and incompetence drove his family away from him and possibly lost him custody of his children.
Milton has said to have had a job at a Sun Bank in a place known as Fletcher (a city or a shopping center) as a bank teller where he had a very unfortunate accident where his groin got caught in a pneumatic tube that ended with him getting an penile implant; it has been presumed that he either quit this job or retired. He occasionally brings up that his doctor is Dr. Kevorkian when in a situation involving death or pain, most likely a reference to Dr. Kevorkian's practice in assisted suicide.
Milton has been shown to favor shipping things by mail, but is not that intelligent in doing so. He first sent his son Chauncey in a box to the latter's grandmother in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and then later his late mother's body in a refrigerator box from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Okeechobee, Florida, losing track of both in the mail each time. However, it could be presumed that the packages eventually arrived to their destination since Chauncey is mentioned as a present in later calls.
Milton's car of choice seems to be a gold 1987 Lincoln-Mercury Grand Marquis, which was first mentioned in the Car Window Fiasco call, and has reappeared various times since.
Milton's exact living location is an enigma. In the Y2K Toilet call, he claimed to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Tampa, Florida; then in the Y2K Survival Kit call, Milton says that he's from 1412 Flika-Flaka Lane in Corbin, Ohio; and finally, in the Wonder Boner call, he claims to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Meekerville, Ohio. In addition, his zip code tends to jump around from 41111 to 42705. Milton has claimed in at least one call that the name "Flika-Flaka" is an Iroquois Native-American name, and in the other to be the name of Christopher Columbus's brother-in-law. Milton's phone call seems to be in a similar state of being as his address; he once stated his phone number is 75 since he received the 75th phone number in the USA in 1887, but then in another instance claimed his phone number is 76
Over the years, Milton has been attacked by many demonically possessed objects such as a demonic Furby, a cable box, and a toaster oven, though this may be since in a reverse prank call to an auto club, he mentioned that he was a witch and a member of the "Devil Tribe", as well as mentioning that he was "possessed by Satan".
Milton has shown to have numerous health problems in the prank calls, both physical and mental. He has mentioned using a Hoveround, presumably due to him being elderly and geriatric, despite being apparently able to run up a flight of stairs. In addition, Milton has claimed to be overweight and a midget, which could be another reason for why he needs a Hoveround. Milton has stated that he has a glass eye due to a batting cage accident involving Chauncey. His aforementioned accident with a pneumatic tube has apparently mangled his penis and driven him to getting a penile implant, but he also claimed in a later call that he has erectile dysfunction and was going to be put on Viagra for the condition. As far as mental health problems go, he claims to be diagnosed with ADD which often causes him to get in trouble. Milton seems to be suicidal, since he mentioned his doctor is Dr. Kevorkian, and has talked about commiting suicide, and even actually accomplishing this goal, in several of his prank calls. This could imply that (most likely due to age) his mental state is slowly deteriorating, and this claim could be supported by his apparent forgetfulness that pops up in his calls.
Milton can be very hotheaded, often calling people while being angry (sometimes to the point of being hysterical) and cursing them out. He seemed to have a overwhelming fear of the infamous Y2K problem, buying kits and calling a toilet company over a tabloid about how certain toilets wouldn't work on the day of the Y2K disaster. As previously mentioned, Milton has ADD and is a little suicidal, which tends to make him very accident prone. Milton seems to somewhat share his son Chauncey's affinty for childish things since he has claimed to own a Tamagotchi, which was heard in Cremation Crotchety.
Milton has been known to have several pets and they have been mentioned from time to time in the calls. Some of Milton's pets include:
- Curline (a gopher)
- Harriet (a beaver), named after Harriet Miers
- Horace (an iguana)
- Lumpy and Mumpy (gerbils)
- Moogie (a squirrel)
- Precious (a dog)
- Scooter (a meerkat)
- An unnamed monkey
- Some unnamed puppies