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Lost Eyeball

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Lost Eyeball
Disc 3, Track 11
Track guide
Previous
The Lion
Next
The Implant
Lost Eyeball is the fifty-third prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.

TranscriptEdit

(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon. Artificial Eye Clinic.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Is this the eyeball place?

Woman: Yes, it is.

Milton: Yes, I lost my glass eye!

Woman: Can I ask who I'm speaking with?

Milton: My name is Milton. I'm elderly, I can't hear well, either. Could you speak loudly?

Woman: Yes. Where are you calling from?

Milton: I'm in my house right now!

Woman: Well, we don't have replacement eyes. I mean, you'd have to come in and have it made...

Milton: I realize that! Is this like Lenscrafters where I can have the eyeball in about an hour or so?

Woman: No, it's not!

Milton: Okay, well then, let me tell you how I lost my glass eye yesterday! I was going to the dermatologist to have my laser hair removal surgery for my back- I'm like Sasquatch! I was going up to his office on the 28th floor, when suddenly, my glass eye popped out and fell down the crack in the elevator and it went straight down 28 stories! It went "plink!-plink!-plink!-plink!-plink!-plink!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!-PLINK!" And then it went..."crash"! I heard a little shatter at the bottom!

Woman: Umm...we would have to put you in, um....we couldn't do it immediately. We would have to put you in in November, and-

Milton: November?!

Woman: -and it takes three visits...

Milton: Now, here's how I lost my eye in the first place! I'm sure you're curious! Do you know those batting cages where you take batting practice and the balls shoot out of the machine?

Woman: Yes.

Milton: Well, I decided to take a crack at it in my younger years-I was in my late sixties back then, and my son was leaning over the machine. And he had one of those big medallion gaudy necklaces on like that rap star...

Woman: Yeah...

Milton: M-MC Hammer.

Woman: Uh-huh...

Milton: With his name "Chauncey" in big gold letters. And it got stuck into the ball machine and it shot out like a rocket and it plowed me right in the eye.

Woman: Ooh!

Milton: That's how I lost it! It stuck in like a dart and it...I'm sorry, it makes me upset every time I think about it.

Woman: I bet...

Milton: So I had the fake eye put in, and this was years ago! It was the same guy that did the fake eye for Sammy Davis Jr. in Los Angeles.

Woman: Where are you calling from? What city?

Milton: I'm in my house right now...I'm in the living room!

Woman: In what city?

Milton: Yes. On the couch!

Woman: No. What...city?

Milton: Right now, I have a gapping hole. I temporarily plugged it up, though....after the incident happened in the building when I was going to get my laser surgery for my back hair.

Woman: Y-yes...

Milton: I left and I went to the sporting goods store and I bought a ping pong ball and that works in an emergency, have you heard about that?

Woman: Really? You use the ping pong ball?

Milton: Yes! And I take a little Magic Marker and I draw a little, bitty pupil on there and then I slap it right back into the socket! I do get a few stares with the ping pong ball wedged in.

Woman: I'm sure you do...umm...the first time-

(ping pong ball falls out of Milton's eye socket)

Milton: Ah! Ah, crap! It just fell out! Ho-could you please hold? I need to re-insert it quickly. Hold on-

Woman: Yes...

Milton: Thank you!

(Milton puts ping pong ball back into eye socket)

Milton: Okay, it's back in!

Woman: Okay, sir-

Milton: When-

Woman: You're going to have to call back tomorrow and talk with (censored), who's the ocularist...

Milton: Hold on! Let me get some Scotch tape so I can fasten the ping pong ball better into my skull!

Woman: Okay...

Milton: I have the tape now!

(Milton unravels tape, sounds of tape crumbling)

Milton: Okay...putting tape...on...ping pong ball...okay! It's attached now! I think this looks pretty good! Okay, I got it! O-

Woman: How d-how do you spell your last name again?

Milton: Ho-it's coming loose! Hold on!

(tape crumbling)

Milton: I...ping pong ball's co-

(ping pong ball falls out of Milton's eye socket and lands on his tongue)

Milton: Ah! I-it fell out-it just fell out! I caught it with my tongue! The ping pong ball is on my tongue! I-

(Milton starts gagging and choking on the ping pong ball)

Milton: (gagging; gasping for air) Choking! Choking! Can't breathe! Can't breathe! Can't breathe!

(Milton presumably dies)

(ringback tone)

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