Lick the Pope?
Disc 1, Track 9
Track guide
The Elevator
The Bulldozer

Lick the Pope? is the ninth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(ringback tone)

(Milton dialing number)

Milton: (sighs) Hello?!

Virginia: Thank you for c-

Milton: Yes! Is this the Poppe Stamp Line?

Virginia: Thank you for calling the Poppe...

Milton: D'oh! Yes!

Virginia: ...hotline.

Milton: Thank God you've answered! I'm calling because I want stamps.

Virginia: My name is Virginia. Do you know which credit card you will be using today?

Milton: Ho- hold on a minute...

(Milton gets his wallet out)

Milton: I have a Visa!

Virginia: And may I have your Visa card number, please?

Milton: Yes. Eigh- how many stamp sets can I order?

Virginia: How many did you want to order?

Milton: Okay, I need twenty-five.

Virginia: I can do that...

Milton: Okay. Twenty-five sets you can do?

Virginia: Yes. And your Visa card number, please?

Milton: Oh, because I was- I was very upset because the ad said that I was limited to just six sets, so y-

Virginia: I can authorize...a bit more.

Milton: So you can bend the rules a little bit.

Virginia: Yeah.

Milton: I'm not gonna get in trouble with the Pope?

Virginia: Nope.

Milton: I'm not sinning?

Virginia: Nope. You're not sinning, you're not gonna get in trouble with the Pope.

Milton: I'm not gonna be- I'm not gonna have to go to confession and say that I've just sinned by ordering more sets than I was supposed to?

Virginia: Nope, you're not sinning by ordering more sets.

Milton: Because I don't want to get on the Pope's crap list, you know?

Virginia: Yeah, I won't let you get on that side of his list.

Milton: Thank you., what are the pictures depicted on the Pope stamps?

Virginia: It- it was shown in the article.

Milton: Okay, I have that here. Now, where can I use these stamps?

Virginia: Um, they're a collector's item...

Milton: Yes?

Virginia: And, um, you can mail them to...from, uh, they're legal tender for postage from Guinea.  

Milton: What?

Virginia: From Guinea.

Milton: Where the hell's Guinea? I once had a kid that had a Guinea pig. Is that the same thing?

Virginia: No, that's not- this isn't, this isn't a Guinea pig, this is Guinea.

Milton: Guinea Pope?

(co-worker laughing in background)

Virginia: Hold on just a moment.

Milton: Yes!

(Milton put on hold; upbeat saxophone music plays)

Virginia: Okay, sir...if...if, I don't have where the exact location of Guinea.

Milton: Do you have a map?

Virginia: I don't have a map right here-

Milton: How about a big globe?

(co-worker chuckling in background)

Virginia: No.

Milton: No globe?

Virginia: I don't have a globe, sir. Did you want to order these stamps? 

Milton: Well, I gotta admit, I'm feeling guilty about something. If I use the stamps, that means I'm gonna have to lick the Pope!

(co-worker laughing in background)

Virginia: No, these are...did you want to order the stamps?

Co-Worker: Oh, my gosh...

Milton: I will call back. I've gotta call my priest to see if it's a sin to lick the Pope!

Virginia: (laughing) It's not a sin to lick the Pope, sir, if you want to use the stamps!

(co-worker laughing in background)

Milton: I'll call back.

Virginia: Thank you!

Milton: Bye.

Virginia: Bye.

(end of call)


  • Poppe Stamps is a philatelic store that sells stamps from all over the world.
  • In the background, a woman can clearly be heard laughing several times. It could be inferred that she was listening in on the call.