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I Lost Mommy

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I Lost Mommy
Disc 1, Track 12
Track guide
Overnight Chauncey
The Killer Bees

I Lost Mommy is the twelfth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Man: (censored)

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Is-is-

Man: (laughing in background)

Miton: What are you laughing at?

Man: Y-you...

Milton: Why are you laughing at me? I've got a serious dilemma.

Man: Oh, okay-

Milton: I find no humor in this problem!

Man: Okay...

Milton: I'm glad you think it's funny! I don't! I gotta be quite honest!

Man: Okay...

Milton: I shipped out a package on Friday, and please, do not yell at me, please refrain from making any smart comments...

Man: Right? I'm not like that...

Milton: We...(sighs) It's my mom's body. She died and we overnighted the body in the casket inside a big cardboard box because that was the cheapest way! And it went out Friday, red label, and it's supposed to be delivered this morning by 10:30, cause the funeral is at 11:15, and now I understand that you're on strike!

Man: Yes, ma'am, I'm-

Milton: No! I'm a sir!

Man: Oh, okay...

Milton: I'm a sir!

Man: I you-

Milton: Where's my mom's body? It's somewhere in the system, I think!

Man: Yeah, I'm sure-

Milton: I never expected a strike!

Man: Would you-would you-so, you went one didn't brief you on what was the possibility on-

Milton: I don't know!

Man: ...Friday?

Milton: I shipped out Mommy on Friday and they put her on the conveyer belt! They didn't know what was inside of it! I just said it was a heavy package. And they took it, they shipped it, and they said it would be at the funeral home or the place of delivery by 10:30 on Monday!

Man: Okay...

Milton: And where is Mommy?!

Man: Do you happen to having a tracking number on that-

Milton: Yes, I do!

Man: What's the tracking number?

Milton: 1Z6502340X02489553! (groans) It's Mommy inside! (weeps)

Man: Okay. Can I put you on hold for a second?

Milton: I don't want to hold. Don't leave me alone now, please...

Man: Okay. All right, I'm gonna talk to my supervisor for a sec, okay?

Milton: Do-don't leave me alone!

Man: I'm here with you!

Milton: Please, don't leave me! I'm getting scared!

Man: Okay, I'm right here with you.

Milton: What happens when you type in the tracking number?!

Man: Okay. Umm, right now, it's just saying "no information"-

Milton: OHHHHHHHHHHHH my God! (crying) There's no information on Mommy!

Man: Okay, umm...

Milton: (crying)

Man: Calm down! Calm down!

Milton: What?

Man: Calm down, let-let's see if we can find anything.

Milton: (weeping) Okay!

Man: Let's make sure now, it's saying 1Z...340-

Milton: (sobbing) Yes...

Man: X65-

Milton: Yes!

Man: 02-

Milton: Yes!

Man: 02-

Milton: Yes!

Man: 489-

Milton: Yes!

Man: 553.

Milton: YES! And Mommy was shipped red label on Friday...and she's supposed to be there in an hour! (sobbing, then hyperventilates) I'm starting to hyperventilate!

Man: No, no, don't hyperventilate. Calm-calm down, calm down...umm....

Milton: (coughing) Yes! Okay, I'm okay!

Man: Calm down...okay, umm....

Milton: All right...(coughs)

(snickering in background)

Man: Let's see...

Milton: (gasping for air) Where do you think Mommy is?

BJ: (under his breath) She's gonna start to spell!

Man: Well, okay, where did you ship it from?

Milton: I shipped it from-from Kalamazoo, Okeechobee, Florida...

Man: Okay...

Milton: It was Mommy in the box...(sniffles)

Man: And you say you shipped the casket and all?

Milton: Well, it's-uh, well, no-the casket was too heavy!

Man: Okay...

Milton: I just wrapped her up in a blanket and put her in a big refrigerator box.

(phone gets tossed around)

Milton: (sniffles) Hello? Hello?

Man: Yes, sir. I'm here. I'm just...I'm just thinking wha-what can we do, um-

Milton: Where's Mommy?! Is it true that you're on strike?

Man: Yes, sir. We-we are on strike, um-

Milton: So, the chances are Mommy could be in the back of some truck somewhere, right?!

Man: Right...

Milton: (screams and cries)

Man: ...tell you what.

Milton: What?

Man: Um...we do know that we're trying to make every effort-

Milton: Right.

Man: ...this package is delivered-

Milton: To find Mommy?

Man: Yes, sir.

Milton: Okay.

Man: So, um...

Milton: Do-say that you'll find Mommy. Say it.

Man: We will-we will find her...

Milton: No, no, say that you'll find Mommy.

Man: We'll find Mommy, okay?

Milton: Okay! 

Man: All right...umm...

Milton: Okay, I'll call you back in five minutes!

Man: Um, sir, it won't be five-it won't be five minutes!

Milton: Okay, bye-bye!

Man: Okay.

Milton: All right.

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • This call features former co-host of the MJ Morning Show (then called the MJ & BJ Morning Show) BJ Harris snickering in the background during the call and then butting in, muttering "she's gonna start to spell" under his breath.
  • The strike mentioned in this call is the UPS Worker's Strike of 1997, in which 185,000 Teamsters set up a walkout that shut down UPS for sixteen days.

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