|I Lost Mommy|
|Disc 1, Track 12|
The Killer Bees
I Lost Mommy is the twelfth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Is-is-
Man: (laughing in background)
Miton: What are you laughing at?
Milton: Why are you laughing at me? I've got a serious dilemma.
Man: Oh, okay-
Milton: I find no humor in this problem!
Milton: I'm glad you think it's funny! I don't! I gotta be quite honest!
Milton: I shipped out a package on Friday, and please, do not yell at me, please refrain from making any smart comments...
Man: Right? I'm not like that...
Milton: We...(sighs) It's my mom's body. She died and we overnighted the body in the casket inside a big cardboard box because that was the cheapest way! And it went out Friday, red label, and it's supposed to be delivered this morning by 10:30, cause the funeral is at 11:15, and now I understand that you're on strike!
Man: Yes, ma'am, I'm-
Milton: No! I'm a sir!
Man: Oh, okay...
Milton: I'm a sir!
Man: I apologize...so-so you-
Milton: Where's my mom's body? It's somewhere in the system, I think!
Man: Yeah, I'm sure-
Milton: I never expected a strike!
Man: Would you-would you-so, you went in...no one didn't brief you on what was the possibility on-
Milton: I don't know!
Milton: I shipped out Mommy on Friday and they put her on the conveyer belt! They didn't know what was inside of it! I just said it was a heavy package. And they took it, they shipped it, and they said it would be at the funeral home or the place of delivery by 10:30 on Monday!
Milton: And where is Mommy?!
Man: Do you happen to having a tracking number on that-
Milton: Yes, I do!
Man: What's the tracking number?
Milton: 1Z6502340X02489553! (groans) It's Mommy inside! (weeps)
Man: Okay. Can I put you on hold for a second?
Milton: I don't want to hold. Don't leave me alone now, please...
Man: Okay. All right, I'm gonna talk to my supervisor for a sec, okay?
Milton: Do-don't leave me alone!
Man: I'm here with you!
Milton: Please, don't leave me! I'm getting scared!
Man: Okay, I'm right here with you.
Milton: What happens when you type in the tracking number?!
Man: Okay. Umm, right now, it's just saying "no information"-
Milton: OHHHHHHHHHHHH my God! (crying) There's no information on Mommy!
Man: Okay, umm...
Man: Calm down! Calm down!
Man: Calm down, let-let's see if we can find anything.
Milton: (weeping) Okay!
Man: Let's make sure now, it's saying 1Z...340-
Milton: (sobbing) Yes...
Milton: YES! And Mommy was shipped red label on Friday...and she's supposed to be there in an hour! (sobbing, then hyperventilates) I'm starting to hyperventilate!
Man: No, no, don't hyperventilate. Calm-calm down, calm down...umm....
Milton: (coughing) Yes! Okay, I'm okay!
Man: Calm down...okay, umm....
Milton: All right...(coughs)
(snickering in background)
Man: Let's see...
Milton: (gasping for air) Where do you think Mommy is?
BJ: (under his breath) She's gonna start to spell!
Man: Well, okay, where did you ship it from?
Milton: I shipped it from-from Kalamazoo, Michigan...to Okeechobee, Florida...
Milton: It was Mommy in the box...(sniffles)
Man: And you say you shipped the casket and all?
Milton: Well, it's-uh, well, no-the casket was too heavy!
Milton: I just wrapped her up in a blanket and put her in a big refrigerator box.
(phone gets tossed around)
Milton: (sniffles) Hello? Hello?
Man: Yes, sir. I'm here. I'm just...I'm just thinking wha-what can we do, um-
Milton: Where's Mommy?! Is it true that you're on strike?
Man: Yes, sir. We-we are on strike, um-
Milton: So, the chances are Mommy could be in the back of some truck somewhere, right?!
Milton: (screams and cries)
Man: ...tell you what.
Man: Um...we do know that we're trying to make every effort-
Man: ...this package is delivered-
Milton: To find Mommy?
Man: Yes, sir.
Man: So, um...
Milton: Do-say that you'll find Mommy. Say it.
Man: We will-we will find her...
Milton: No, no, say that you'll find Mommy.
Man: We'll find Mommy, okay?
Man: All right...umm...
Milton: Okay, I'll call you back in five minutes!
Man: Um, sir, it won't be five-it won't be five minutes!
Milton: Okay, bye-bye!
Milton: All right.
(Milton hangs up)
- This call features former co-host of the MJ Morning Show (then called the MJ & BJ Morning Show) BJ Harris snickering in the background during the call and then butting in, muttering "she's gonna start to spell" under his breath.
- The strike mentioned in this call is the UPS Worker's Strike of 1997, in which 185,000 Teamsters set up a walkout that shut down UPS for sixteen days.