Frozen Fludgecow
Disc 3, Track 15
Track guide
Reckless Pizza Guy
The Wrecking Ball
Frozen Fludgecow is the fifty-seventh prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(ringback tone)

(grocery store freezer running in background)

Liz: Good morning and thank you for calling (censored). This is Liz speaking. How can I help you?

Milton: D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Get me the manager pronto!

Liz: Sure! Can you hold the line, please?

Milton: Hurry up!

(Milton shivers and groans)

Milton: Feeling numb...getting weak...(moans)

Liz: You know what? I've tried to get him- he's in the checkstand helping a customer. Can I take a message and have him call you right back?

Milton: No, you can't! I'm stuck in the frozen food case!

Liz: Okay. Where are you?

Milton: I'm on the frozen food aisle! I reached in to get the "2-for-1 special" and there was only a few left! And I reached all the way in and I fell in! The door- boom!- slammed behind me! I'm stuck inside the case!

Liz: Okay, I'll- where- okay, hold on. I'll- we'll come get you now...

Milton: Who is this?!

Liz: This is Li- I'm gonna come get you, okay?

Milton: It's all fogged- I'm a midget! I'm small! I'm elderly and I'm only four feet tall! And I reached in and I fell in and I can't get out! It's very cold in here!

Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?

Milton: The window is all fogged up!

Liz: Okay!

Milton: I was lucky to have my cellular phone!

Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?

Milton: Keep this phone line open in case you can't find me!

(Liz talking to co-worker in background)

Liz: Okay. Hold on.

(Liz hangs phone up)

Milton: Rescue is on the way! (shivering)

Liz: Are you at (censored) Market?

Milton: Yes I am! I'm tapping on the window now!

(Milton taps on freezer door window)

Milton: I'm inside the freezer...I'm ta-can you hear me tapping?!

Liz: I can! But I can't find you! Wha-are you in the frozen food section?

Milton: Yes! I reached in to grab the food and I fell in 'cause I had to reach all the way-! Did you just look for me?!

Liz: I am-okay, hold on!

(Liz hangs up again)

Milton: Wait a sec! Don't leave me! I'm getting cold! I feel like I'm at the top of Mount Everest! Freezing, shivering!

(Milton stutters, shivers)

Milton: Get me...OUT!!!

(Milton furiously taps on freezer door window)

Liz: Are you calling from the (censored) store?

Milton: I'm calling from the frozen food cooler! Maybe you can't see me because a bunch of boxes fell in front of me! Hold on a minute!

(Milton starts moving frozen food boxes)

Milton: Let me move all these frozen dinners!

Liz: Okay...

Milton: Salisbury...don't leave me yet! Hold on! Let me clear the way, okay?

Liz: Ok-

Milton: Moving all the-! Okay! Green Giant! Frozen pizza! Hold on- hello?!

Liz: I'm right here.

Milton: Opening up the frozen pizza!

(Milton opens up a box of frozen pizza)

Milton: Oh, this looks good!

(Milton unwraps frozen pizza)

Milton: Oh!

(Liz's co-workers talking on other end)

Milton: Hello?

Male Co-Worker: Uh, she went to look for you and she can't find you...

Milton: (furiously) I'm in the frozen food section! It's getting cold! Please put her on the phone! I'll give her better directions as to where I am!

Male Co-Worker: Okay, hang on...

Milton: Put her back on the phone!

Liz: You know what? I cannot find you anywhere in the store...

Milton: I'm trapped in the frozen food section! I feel like I'm going to freeze to death! (cries)

Liz: Are you-? You know what, listen to me very carefully...

Milton: I have to go to the bathroom, too!

Liz: Listen! Stop talking! Listen!

Milton: What?!

Liz: Listen!

Milton: Yes!

Liz: You must be caught in the wrong store!

Milton: No! I'm in your store!

Liz: What's the name of my store?

(Milton unzips his pants)

Milton: Okay! Gotta go to the bathroom! Hold on a minute! Ho...

(Milton urinates in the freezer)

Milton: Going to the bathroom in the frozen food case!

Liz: Where are you?

Milton: Too cold! (sighs)

(Milton stops urinating)

Milton: I always thought your store was number one, and now I've done number one in your store! Okay, I'm gonna try to muster up a little more energy to try to kick the door open with my feet! Okay! Here we go! Three! Two! One!

(Milton kicks the freezer door down; glass shatters; Milton grunts)

Milton: Okay! I'm out! We've got a cleanup on aisle five! Goodbye!

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)