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Eyewear Scare

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Eyewear Scare
Disc 2, Track 20
Track guide
Salad Shooter
The Jet Ski
Eyewear Scare is the forty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Katie: Good afternoon, (censored). This is Katie speaking, how may I help you?

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the schmuck on wheels that made these eyeglasses!

Katie: Excuse me? Wh...what's your name?

Milton: Do you speak English?! Repeat after me: my...eye...glasses...suck! I'm driving right now in my car...and I just got the glasses and I'm feeling all dizzy and woozy and my eyes are getting blurry!

Katie: But you're- you're driv-

Milton: somebody smeered toothpaste on here!

Katie: You're driving right now?

Milton: Yes, I'm driving right now!

Katie: Okay sir, I need you to pull over the car.

Milton: I can't see any-what'd you say?!

Katie: I need you to pull over the car.

Milton: Who the hell made these glasses- Stevie Wonder?!

Katie: Sir, I will try to help you, you need to pull over the car before-

Milton: Wha-?! Why sh-?!

Katie: Somebody- somebody is going to get hurt.

Milton: Why should I pull over the car just cause I can't see and I'm going 60 miles a hour?!

(Milton smashes into the side of another car)

Milton: DAHHHHH!!!! Oh my! I just smashed into somebody!....I just ripped somebody's whole side off!

Katie: Oh my God-sir, please pull over the car!

Milton: I can't! I'm late for football practice! I'm in the senior's league! I need to speak to somebody that made these glasses because I can't see crap!

Katie: Wha-what is your name...?

(Milton crashes into school bus)

Milton: DAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!

Katie: Sir!

Milton: Holy-I just mowed into a school bus! Hold on!

Katie: Oh my God, is-

Milton: Everyone's okay. I just peeled the whole side off! Sor-sorry!

Katie: Please stop the car!

Milton: I can't stop the car! Do you people know how to make eye gl-oh my God, telephone booth! Telephone booth! Telephone booth!

(Milton crashes through telephone booth)

Katie: Sir, please!

Milton: I ju-I just mowed over a tele-I'm in a parking lot of a supermarket now!

Katie: Well, you can stop there!

Milton: I'm in the parking lot! Hold on! WOAH!!!

(Milton weaves and swerves)

Milton: Holy-I'm weaving and swerving and weaving and-oh my God! I'm in a park-

Katie: Sir, please! Oh my God...

Milton: OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Milton crashes through the supermarket)

Milton: I'm in the-oh my God!

Katie: Are you okay? 

Milton: I just-I'm in the supermarket! AH!!!

Katie: I can't hear you! Are you okay?

Milton: I just smashed into the su-I'm in the supermarket! Holy! Oh my-there goes the pasta! Ah! Hostess cupcakes right down the left! Spam! Spaghetti-O's! Kibbles and Bits! Oh my-I'm dragging the shelves!

(Milton crashes into deli counter)

Milton: AHHHH!!!!!! I just bashed into the deli counter! Oh my God! Hello?! Can you-

Katie: Is everyone okay?

Milton: I don't know!!!

Katie: Stop the car!

Milton: People are fleeing!

Katie: Can you hear me? Stop the car!

Milton: AHHH!!! Get outta the way!!!

(Milton crashes into back wall of supermarket)

Milton: Oh! I'm-uh, the car hit the back wall! Okay, I'm-

Katie: Is anyone hurt?

Milton: I'm stopped! Oh! It's all because of your eyeglasses! My car is wrecked, I've smashed the supermarket, countless other vehicles, and it's all your freaking fault at (censored)!

Katie: Is everyone okay?

Milton: I think so! I think most people fled the scene when I bashed through the front of the supermarket!

Katie: Okay, I'm going to try to get you some help. You need to tell me which supermarket are you in?

Milton: I'm in the one down the street!

Katie: .....that doesn't help me much, could you be a little more specific?

Milton: Yes! The supermarket that has all the food! (pants) You guys are paying for my car, you're paying for cumulative damages! I want a check right now for $79,000!

Katie: My manager isn't in-

Milton: That's it! I'm coming after you right now! Backing up the car!

(Milton backs his car up, tires screech)

Milton: Coming after you! So long, toots!

(Katie hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • Stevie Wonder is a blind musician who has been active since 1961.

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