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Exercise Bike

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Exercise Bike
Disc 3, Track 17
Track guide
The Wrecking Ball
Furniture Fiasco
Exercise Bike is the fifty-ninth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(Milton is exercising on a defective exercise bicycle; Milton panting)

(ringback tone)

Man: Exercise World.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Are you the people I bought this bike from?

Man: Yes, who's calling?

Milton: I'm on this exercise bike right now- my name is Milton Fludgecow, and (coughs and hacks), I'm having a terrible time with this thing!

Man: Well, what can I do for you, Milton? What's up?

Milton: It's really tough to pedal! I'm on it right now and it's the tension- it's very, very, very tight!

Man: Well, uh-turn that tension wheel to your left. Release it.

(Milton struggling to turn tension wheel)

Milton: I'm turn, and t-, t-tu-I'm turning it, and it won't budge! It's like it's welded or superglued in place!

Man: Uh, Milton, take your time, don't be nervous. Just...turn that wheel to your left.

Milton: I'm turning it...

(tension wheel snaps off)

Milton: Oh my God, it just snapped off like a pretzel! It ju-it snapped off!

Man: Well, what's going on...?

Milton: Le-let me pedal a little faster...I'm pedaling- (pants), I'm pedaling faster now! It's starting to wobble almost like the wheel's about to come off!

Man: Get off the bike.

Milton: The wheel is shaking very violently now!

Man: Well, get off the bike!

Milton: I can't get off the bike!

Man: Get off the bike!!!

Milton: I can't get off the bike!!! I'm-I'm scared! Ah! I'm going very fast! Ehh! Oh my God, it's loose! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Milton crashes through the wall, falls down a flight of stairs, crashes into a bookcase and a cabinet containing porcelain figurines)

Milton: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Man: I'm not gonna tell you again: get off the damn bike!

Milton: (screaming and grunting in pain)

(glass shattering, Milton grunting in agony)

Milton: Oh, my God! Oh, your exercise bike has ruined my house!

Man: What's wrong?

Milton: It slipped off the frame and launched like a rocket! I just smashed through the wall, I went tumbling down the steps, I smashed through a bookcase and then I plowed right into my curio cabinet containing my priceless collection of Hummel figurines! 

Man: I told you to get off the bike, you idiot! Come on!

Milton: They're all-they're all smashed to bits! In fact, it's a miracle I was able to hold onto this cordless Cobra telephone! (pants) I'm gonna sue you people!

Man: You're gonna sue me?

Milton: I'm gonna sue you for selling me a defective death trap exercise bicycle that propelled me like a rocket ship!

Man: Come on, ya idiot!

Milton: I'm gonna sue you idiots!

Man: Okay, sue me!

Milton: I'm gonna sue your pants off!

Man: All right, ya schmuck. Go ahead, sue me. Sue me!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)


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