|Demonic Cable Box|
|Disc 1, Track 5|
Drunk Mall Santa
Demonic Cable Box is the fifth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series.
Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling. Our customer care representive will be with you momentarily. To assure the...
Milton: I hope so!
Pre-Recorded Message: ...customer assistance, this call may be randomly monitored by supervisory personnel.
Milton: Oh, great!
Pre-Recorded Message: ...and remember, featuring on Pay-Per-View throughout the month of January, the box office hit, Batman Forever.
Milton: Oh! That's all I need!
Pre-Recorded Message: Ask our customer care representive for details.
Milton: (nervously wails)
Woman: Customer Service. How may I help you?
(demonic roaring in the background)
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! What are you people trying to do to m-AH! What are you trying to do to me?!
Milton: I'm a sir! My name is Milton Fludgecow! I've been a valued customer of your freaking cable company for over twelve and a half years and this cable box is talking like it's a devil! It's spitting and frothing and sparking and chanting all kinds of demonic things!
Cable Box: (demonic voice) I hate you, you old geezer!
Milton: Listen to that! What are you-
Woman: Sir, are you sure it's not your TV or your VCR?
Milton: Listen! What do I look like, a moron? Of course it's not my TV or VCR!
Cable Box: (frothing) You smell like doggie doo!
Woman: Do you have a movie in?
Milton: I don't have a movie-! I'm not an idiot! It's your cable box that's making all-!
(cable box almost hits Milton with sparks)
Milton: AHH!!! It's making all kinds of demonic sounds and spitting out sparks! Listen to this-!
Cable Box: Touch me...and you die! (demonic laughter)
Milton: N-now...now it's threatening my life! What are you people gonna do about this?!
Woman: Sir, just try to unplug the cable box...
Milton: What?! Do you think I'm crazy?!
(cable box spits up sparks)
Milton: I can't get within twelve feet of this thing!
Woman: Oh my gosh, what is happening?
Cable Box: You should've bought HBO and Cinemax, you cheap schmuck! (demonic laughter)
Milton: Did you hear that?!
Woman: Yes, sir! Um...
Milton: Is this your idea of a big cruel hoax at the cable company? Are you trying to scare elderly people into buying premium services? Is that what-?
(cable box makes more demonic sounds)
Woman: No, sir!
Milton: Well, what are you people doing?!
Woman: I can send out a service technician out by Friday...
Milton: By Friday?! I might be dead!
Cable Box: (laughs demonically) I'm gonna catch on fire and burn your house down! (laughs)
Milton: Oh! Listen to this thing! I-oh, my heart is starting to beat fast! I might be having a heart attack!
Woman: Sir! Take a broom handle and try to unplug it!
Milton: (sighs nervously) Hold on a sec, let me try that. Hang on! I'm getting a broomstick!
(Milton grabs broomstick in background)
Milton: I got...I got a broomstick. I'm approaching the cable and-!
Cable Box: I warned you! I told you to stay away!
(cable box electrocutes Milton)
Milton: (screaming in pain)
Cable Box: (laughing demonically)
Woman: Sir? Sir, are you okay? Sir?
Woman: Can you hear me, sir?
(Milton groans in pain and presumably dies)
Woman: Are you okay?...Sir!...Sir?...Oh my gosh, sir!...Sir?