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Demonic Cable Box

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Demonic Cable Box
Disc 1, Track 5
Track guide
Drunk Mall Santa
Mattress Mayhem

Demonic Cable Box is the fifth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series.


(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling. Our customer care representive will be with you momentarily. To assure the... 

Milton: I hope so!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...customer assistance, this call may be randomly monitored by supervisory personnel.

Milton: Oh, great!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...and remember, featuring on Pay-Per-View throughout the month of January, the box office hit, Batman Forever.

Milton: Oh! That's all I need!

Pre-Recorded Message: Ask our customer care representive for details.

Milton: (nervously wails)

(ringback tone)

Woman: Customer Service. How may I help you?

(demonic roaring in the background)

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! What are you people trying to do to m-AH! What are you trying to do to me?! 

Woman: Ma'am?

Milton: I'm a sir! My name is Milton Fludgecow! I've been a valued customer of your freaking cable company for over twelve and a half years and this cable box is talking like it's a devil! It's spitting and frothing and sparking and chanting all kinds of demonic things!

Cable Box: (demonic voice) I hate you, you old geezer!

Milton: Listen to that! What are you-

Woman: Sir?

Milton: What?!

Woman: Sir, are you sure it's not your TV or your VCR?

Milton: Listen! What do I look like, a moron? Of course it's not my TV or VCR!

Cable Box: (frothing) You smell like doggie doo!

Woman: Do you have a movie in?

Milton: I don't have a movie-! I'm not an idiot! It's your cable box that's making all-!

(cable box almost hits Milton with sparks)

Milton: AHH!!! It's making all kinds of demonic sounds and spitting out sparks! Listen to this-!

Cable Box: Touch me...and you die! (demonic laughter)

Milton: it's threatening my life! What are you people gonna do about this?!

Woman: Sir, just try to unplug the cable box...

Milton: What?! Do you think I'm crazy?!

(cable box spits up sparks)

Milton: I can't get within twelve feet of this thing!

Woman: Oh my gosh, what is happening?

Milton: GAH!

Cable Box: You should've bought HBO and Cinemax, you cheap schmuck! (demonic laughter)

Milton: Did you hear that?!

Woman: Yes, sir! Um...

Milton: Is this your idea of a big cruel hoax at the cable company? Are you trying to scare elderly people into buying premium services? Is that what-?

(cable box makes more demonic sounds)

Woman: No, sir!

Milton: Well, what are you people doing?!

Woman: I can send out a service technician out by Friday...

Milton: By Friday?! I might be dead!

Cable Box: (laughs demonically) I'm gonna catch on fire and burn your house down! (laughs)

Milton: Oh! Listen to this thing! I-oh, my heart is starting to beat fast! I might be having a heart attack!

Woman: Sir! Take a broom handle and try to unplug it!

Milton: (sighs nervously) Hold on a sec, let me try that. Hang on! I'm getting a broomstick!

(Milton grabs broomstick in background)

Milton: I got...I got a broomstick. I'm approaching the cable and-!

Cable Box: I warned you! I told you to stay away!

(cable box electrocutes Milton)

Milton: (screaming in pain)

Woman: Sir?

Cable Box: (laughing demonically)

Woman: Sir? Sir, are you okay? Sir?

(Milton collapses)

Woman: Can you hear me, sir?

(Milton groans in pain and presumably dies)

Woman: Are you okay?...Sir!...Sir?...Oh my gosh, sir!...Sir?

(ringback tone)

Trivia Edit

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