The Crotchety Old Man Calls were a series of prank calls broadcast throughout the 1990s on the MJ Morning Show, starring host MJ Kelli's character "Milton Fludgecow" and involving the hapless old man's misadventures in using various products.


Each call has a very formula-based set up: the call will begin with either someone answering the phone, or an automated answering system talking of options. If the latter occurs, Milton will either select an option, or randomly push buttons in a panic. When someone answers, Milton will reply with his famous opening line of "Oh, thank God you've answered!", and he will either describe a dangerous situation he's in, or describe what he's doing. Most bits usually feature Milton doing something incredibly stupid, calling about a problem he needs fixed, or being in a dangerous predicament. A major plot point of these calls is that Milton seems more concerned about accomplishing selfish goals at times; an example is when he threatens to sue companies for all their assets and taking over said companies. This can even extend to medical emergencies, such as car accidents or other serious predicaments, where he doesn't bother calling the hospital, being more concerned about compensation than actually receiving help. Often Milton will bring up his children (usually his son Chauncey, and/or occasionally, his daughter Estelle, though a third child is mentioned once), or his various pets. As far as endings go, call can end in several ways; the first way is with Milton being injured and the phone hanging up, the second way is with Milton threatening/provoking the person on the other end, resulting in said person hanging up in either a rage or a panic, or the third way, which can end with Milton hanging up calmly/in a rage, sometimes saying he has something else to attend to, while the person on the other end either says goodbye to him back or tries to keep him on the line.

List of callsEdit

Over the course of the lifespan of the Crotchety Old Man Calls, there were a total of sixty-five known prank calls made. Sixty-three of them were released on the Nothing But Crotchety album, with seemingly only one never being released on any form of CD and another only released on Christmas Crotchety II. These are all of the prank calls listed as they appear on Nothing But Crotchety, with any extra prank calls or sketches placed after the sixty-third call.

  1. The Car Window Fiasco
  2. Carpet Calls 1
  3. Carpet Calls 2
  4. Drunk Mall Santa
  5. Demonic Cable Box
  6. Mattress Mayhem
  7. Pop-Tart Fire
  8. The Elevator
  9. Lick the Pope?
  10. The Bulldozer
  11. Overnight Chauncey
  12. I Lost Mommy
  13. The Killer Bees
  14. The Vacuum of Doom
  15. The Garage Door
  16. Milton Flips Truck
  17. Rental Car Squirrel
  18. The ATM
  19. Orthopedic Shoes
  20. Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub
  21. The VCR
  22. The Dumpster
  23. Christmas Crotchety
  24. Freezer Geezer
  25. The Pacemaker
  26. 1-800 How's My Driving?
  27. Leave It To Beaver
  28. Science Fair Project
  29. Smelly Cab
  30. Beeper in the Butt
  31. Porta-Potty
  32. Y2K Survival Kit
  33. Help! I'm Stuck In The Trunk
  34. Ski Into Tree
  35. Demonic Furbee
  36. Hair Plugs
  37. Multiplex Morons
  38. Cremation Crotchety
  39. The Car Alarm
  40. Salad Shooter
  41. Eyewear Scare
  42. The Jet Ski
  43. Tickle Me Elmo-Wood
  44. Craftmatic Bed
  45. Dumber and Plumber
  46. The Golf Cart
  47. Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas
  48. IRS Mess
  49. Car Insurance
  50. Yank My Tank
  51. The Shredder
  52. The Lion
  53. Lost Eyeball
  54. The Implant
  55. Turkey Hotline
  56. Reckless Pizza Guy
  57. Frozen Fludgecow
  58. The Wrecking Ball
  59. Exercise Bike
  60. Furniture Fiasco
  61. The Hearing Aid
  62. The Y2K Toilet
  63. The Ab-Used Car Dealer
  64. The Wonder Boner
  65. Adult Diaper
  66. Butt Tattoo
  67. The Lost Arm in Curacao
  68. Cayman Crotchety


During the run of the Crotchety calls on the MJ Morning Show, they became very popular. As a result, many CDs, containing Crotchety calls as well as other show segments and prank calls, would be sold by the MJ Morning Show. A total of six albums were sold during the segment's run, seven if the compilation CD "Nothing But Crotchety" is included. They would be sold around the holidays, particularly in the Tampa Bay area. Eventually, a time came when MJ Kelli decided to retire the Crotchety calls sketches on the show, and the CDs were no longer produced and ultimately went out of print. Later, in the October of 2005, an offer for a virtual album containing every Crotchety call ever made in MP3 format appeared on the MJ Morning Show's website. The offer was short-lived and expired at the start of 2006. Since then, a few of the calls have since been posted on video sites like YouTube for free viewing. As for the actual albums, they still pop up on the internet occasionally on sites such as eBay,, and the like, but prices vary.

List of albums Edit

  • Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks
  • Y2Krotchety
  • Crotchety Christmas
  • Crotchety Christmas II
  • Crotchety Christmas 3-D
  • When Crotchety Attacks!
  • Nothing But Crotchety


External linksEdit