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Craftmatic Bed

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Craftmatic Bed
Disc 3, Track 2
Track guide
Tickle Me Elmo-Wood
Dumber and Plumber
Craftmatic Bed is the fourty-fourth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(ringback tone)

Jeff: Yes, Craftmatic.

(Milton's Craftmatic bed stalling)

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Who is this?!

Jeff: Uh, yes, this is Jeff.

Milton: Jeff! I'm stuck in your freaking Craftmatic adjustable bed!

(Craftmatic bed continues to stall)

Jeff: You're what?

Milton: I'm stuck in the Craftmatic adjustable bed! I'm all wedged up inside it right now-!

(bed stalling noises continue)

Jeff: What-uh, what are you do-are you, you can't get out?

Milton: I'm stuck and all folded up around me like a clam!

Jeff: Well, what's that noise?

Milton: That's your stinking machine! It's all wedged up!

Jeff: Well, stop pushing the button!

Milton: I'm pushing the button to try and jar myself loose! What happened was, I guess the-!

Jeff: Sir! Calm down.

Milton: I guess the control pad is all defective...and it's all stuck!

(bed stalling continues)

Jeff: Well, stop pushing it!

Milton: I-!

Jeff: Calm down!

Milton: I'm trying to break myself free! What the hell do I do? It's all closed up around me like I'm in a womb or something!

(stalling noises continue)

Jeff: Will you stop pushing the button?!

Milton: I'm trying to break!

Jeff: Stop pushing the button!

Milton: Okay! I stopped pushing the button!

Jeff: How long have you been in there?

Milton: I've been-!

(Milton pushes mattress button again; stalling continues)

Jeff: Stop pushing the button!

Milton: I've been in here, for about, two hours now! Hey! It's starting to move a little bit!

(stalling noises continue)

Jeff: Stop pu-SIR!

(Milton's face gets caught in the mattress, causing him to suffocate)

Jeff: Sir, stop pushing the button!

Milton: (muffled) It's-AH! It's all closed up around my face now! AHH! I can't breathe! AHHH! I-I can't breathe- (wails)

Jeff: SIR! C-calm down...

(stalling noises from bed continue)

(Milton struggling to get out)

Milton: AH! Oh-hold on! Ah! OK!

Jeff: Stop pushing the button...

(Milton gets his face out of the mattress; catches his breath)

Milton: It just let go of my face. Now my body is still all wedged up inside it-

(stalling noises continue)

Milton: Now-now the unit; it's getting very hot! Oh-

Jeff: Sir...

Milton: It's starting to smoke a little bit!

Jeff: Well, o-sir?

(Milton's smoke detector goes off)

Milton: Oh, wait! Oh my!

Jeff: What's your number?

Milton: It set off my smoke detector!

Jeff: What's your number, sir?

(fire ignites)

Milton: Oh! I got a fire!

Jeff: Okay, what's your number? I'll call 911.

Milton: I got a fire!

Jeff: Sir!

Milton: AH! Let me-!

(Milton pushes mattress button again; stalling noises continue)

Milton: (grunting)

Jeff: Hello?! Hello? Sir?

Milton: What the hell are you people trying to do to me?!

Jeff: If you do not stop pushing the button, I can't help you! Sir!

Milton: Yes?! Oh, wait a sec!

Jeff: What's your number? I'll call 911.

Milton: Hold on! I got a fire extinguisher handy! Hold on!

(Milton extinguishes the fire)

Milton: Okay! The fire-I got the fire out. (groans) I-

(stalling noises from bed continue)

Milton: What the hell are you people trying to do at Craftmatic?! Kill all your elderly customers?!

(stalling continues)

Jeff: N-no-no, sir. I've never heard of this problem before...

Milton: Well, you got a freakin' nightmare on your hands right now, and-!

(mattress closes up around Milton, suffocating him)

Jeff: Sir. Are you okay?

Milton: (muffled) It's starting to close up around me!

Jeff: Sir!

Milton: (muffled) I can't breathe- (suffocating)

Jeff: Are you breathing? Sir?

Milton: (muffled) I can't breathe...

Jeff: Are y-are you okay?

Milton: (hacking and choking)

Jeff: Sir!

(Milton runs out of breath and faints)

Jeff: (to co-workers) Someone...c-call the operator. We'll see if we're gonna have to try and trace this call!

Milton: (wheezing)

Jeff: Sir! Sir? Hello?

(Milton presumably dies)

Jeff: Hello?-

(ringback tone)

Trivia Edit

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