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Carpet Calls 1

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Carpet Calls 1
Disc 1, Track 2
Track guide
The Car Window Fiasco
Carpet Calls 2

Carpet Calls 1 is the second prank call in the Crotchety Old Man prank call series. It is notable for being the only Crotchety Call with a follow-up prank call- it's follow up being Carpet Calls 2.


(ringback tone)

Middle-Eastern Man: Good afternoon, Carpet (censored).

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the idiot that sold me this carpet!

Middle-Eastern Man: Who is this carpet?

Milton: ...what?!

Middle-Eastern Man: You wants talk me, too-

Milton: The imbecile that sold me my carpet! I have carpet, I've got a defect! You put it in, I want it fixed in an hour!

Middle-Eastern Man: What's your name, please?

Milton: Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W, first name is Milton!

Middle-Eastern Man: Uh-huh...

Milton: And it's all defective now! I think there's a manufacturer's defect-probably even a recall on the books! My kid Chauncey was playing with Silly Putty and jammed it in the carpet and it won't come out! 

Middle-Eastern Man: Yeah, that should be like that, sir...

Milton: What?!

Middle-Eastern Man: Give me your name and number and your address...

Milton: My name is Fludgecow!

Middle-Eastern Man: Fludgecah?

Milton: No! Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E...C-O-W!

Middle-Eastern Man: Uh-huh...

Milton: Repeat that to me, please!

Middle-Eastern Man: I couldn't write it.

Milton: Why not?!

Middle-Eastern Man: Because you are talking too fast, sir! Can you speak...slowly, please?

Milton: Yes, I can!

Middle-Eastern Man: Slowly.

Milton: F.......

Middle-Eastern Man: Uh-huh...

Milton: L................U......

Middle-Eastern Man: Uh-huh...

Milton: D........

Middle-Eastern Man: Uh-huh...

Milton: G........

Middle-Eastern Man: G...

Milton: E........

Middle-Eastern Man: E...

Milton: C........

Middle-Eastern Man: C...

Milton: O........

Middle-Eastern Man: O...


Middle-Eastern Man: And...what is your invoice number?

Milton: What?!

Middle-Eastern Man: Invoice number!

Milton: I don't know! I discarded that long ago! I got a defect; I want it replaced immediately!

Middle-Eastern Man: It doesn't work like that! I have to have your invoice number!

Milton: My invoice number is four!

Middle-Eastern Man: Four...I don't have such invoice number, sir...

Milton: Well, I don't know my invoice number! All I'm telling you is I have a lifetime guarantee on my carpet!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, we don't have such a thing, sir.

Milton: Oh, yes, you do!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, we don't.

Milton: Oh, yes, you do!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, sir, we don't.

Milton: No, you do!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Middle-Eastern Man: Hello?

Milton: Yes! I think we accidentally got disconnected! My kid was playing with Silly Putty- it's like a clay; a toy! And it's all smashed up in the's all pushed and ground and bashed in the carpet and I can't get it out! So, I went and I got some hedge clippers and I cut the putty out of the carpet and now I've got bald spots and burlap showing and I want you to come out and replace it all under warranty!

Middle-Eastern Man: There is no such a warranty for that kind of a thing...

Milton: What?!

Middle-Eastern Man: There is no "what, what"! Don't call us anymore!

Milton: Are you the bald idiot that sold me the carpet?

Middle-Eastern Man: Get the hell out of here...

(man hangs up again)

(ringback tone)

Middle-Eastern Man: Carpet (censored).

Milton: Yes! I think we were accidentally disconnected again-

Middle-Eastern Man: No, you-we-it wasn't accidentally! I cut by purpose! And don't call, (censored)-damn it! Okay?!

(man hangs up again)

(ringback tone)

Middle-Eastern Man: Carpet (censored), may I help you, please?

Milton: Let me speak to Flappy!

Middle-Eastern Man: Huh?

Milton: Let me speak to Flappy! That was my salesman!

Middle-Eastern Man: We don't have Flappy here! You bought your carpet, probably, from (censored) Carpet.

Milton: No! From Flappy! At your place!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, we don't have such a place here.

Milton: Yes! Flappy! He's the manager!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, he doesn't-Flappy doesn't work here...

Milton: You're a liar! Flappy runs that place!

Middle-Eastern Man: No, Flappy doesn't work here!

Milton: I wanna speak to Flappy!

Middle-Eastern Man: Flappy doesn't work here!

(man hangs up again)

(ringback tone)

Middle-Eastern Man: Leave me alone, you (censored) damn it! Okay?!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Trivia Edit

  • Silly Putty is a silicone polymer-based toy that was originally made as a rubber substitute. Here, Milton is complaining about the putty's ability to bind to carpet fibers, which it has become somewhat infamous for.

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